Bittersweet Part 3
Heero let out a weak sigh realizing that he had been holding his breath. Duo was so quiet, so fragile, so different from his usual energetic self.
Even though Heero knew that Duo's smile and lightheartedness often was a mask fashioned to hide his uncertainty and fear of rejection, still some inner part of Duo's soul always had maintained an optimistic hope that one day everything would be all right.
What had happened to destroy that optimism? "Oh Duo what happened?" he wondered aloud increasing the pressure on his brother-in-arm's clammy hand.
Something in the touch, the words whispered in heartsick sadness must have cracked the crystal wall entombing Duo's clouded consciousness. An ever so slight twitch registered against Heero's hand.
Encouraged by the response, even though it could have been only a tactical reaction and not a true reply to his words or touch, Heero leaned closed to Duo's ashen face.
"Duo." he called, "It's Heero, I'm here. Can you hear me?" he urged his friend to fight back through the debilitating haze swamping every part of his being.
"Damn it Duo hear me now!" Heero called out the authoritative command.
*********
It was cold, so cold in that black void. Chill currents swirled about threatening to freeze both his body and the vital organs trapped within. Duo's mind floundered in the gelatinous infusion as the thick syrupy mixture enveloped him in a suffocating tide.
As the congealing fluid held him fast Duo struggled without success against the icy enfoldment. His energy was almost spent; his fortitude all but used up. It would be so easy to give up, to let the engulfing surge pull him under.
Duo had fought off the debilitating affects several times in recent days pushing pass the smothering wall only to lose the battle and be plunged back into its terrifying entombing depths once more. During the brief lucid periods Duo's resistance had manifested itself in a panic-stricken thrashing about as he called on Shinigami's power to free him from the hellish nightmare that he could not wake up from.
However, there always seemed to be something just under the surface that held him back. Had his demons followed him clawing into his body, tearing into flesh down to the bone as they dragged him back into the arctic abyss?
But now that was a sense of warmth in the icy deepness. There was a small point of heat so tapered that it was almost invisible. But it was there in sure and solid substance.
Accompanying the odd illumination a strange sound touched his hearing. At first Duo couldn't make out the undistinguishable bits of noise as each discernible tone jumbled into a racket of static and discord. But between the annoying interference something familiar punched through. It was not just white noise but a voice. As peculiar as it seemed there was indeed a voice carried with the din.
Duo could not identify the voice's owner or accurately pinpoint its origin, but it was speaking and its resonance was quite human in its tenor. There was only one word that Duo could glean from the confused calling but that single utterance was clear as it bore straight into his soul.
Something or someone was calling his name and the sweet reverberation was slowly melting away the enslaving icy tentacles. Gradually the radiant infusion of light and heat punctured the unyielding slime. The voice rose in volume until the jellied confinement quivered from the vibrations.
Then the encompassing mass began to part, to draw back from the intruding warmth. Finally the gulf widened enough to let Duo begin to nudge his way through the narrow opening. Would he traverse the breach only to be snatched back again?
"Fight Maxwell!" Duo screamed out the order to his feeble strength as it weakened from the torturous effort.
"Fight with everything you have!" the command was issued with the same tenacity that had allowed him to survive the streets of L2 and brought him through the horrible war, if not completely unscathed, at least reasonably intact.
The curtain parted wider as it seemed to disintegrate under the phantom voice's constant bombardment. With determination borne of his will to live, Duo pushed harder as every muscle burned and labored breaths pounded in his chest. Almost there. Almost.
Then with a victorious gasp as sweet fresh air surged into his lungs, Duo's entire body jerked from the sudden freeing sensations. His eyes flew opened then closed tightly against the blinding glare that sent stabbing pain back into his brain.
*********
Heero involuntarily jumped as, without warning, Maxwell's frail form convulsed bowing his back off the bed. A sturdy intake of air swelled in Duo's chest creating a strong sucking sound deep in his lungs.
The startling constriction as Duo's fingers closed on his sent pain stinging through Yuy's hand. Had he not known the powerful effects an adrenaline rush could produce Heero would have been surprised by Duo's unexpected display of strength.
But would the sudden surge last or was it merely a short lived rush of energy that would soon dissipate leaving Duo with no reserves to mount another attack on his almost comatose condition?
Heero increased the pressure on Duo's hand leaning nearer as his Gundam partner fought to come back from his nightmarish existence.
"Come on Duo fight." he demanded willing Duo to draw from his strength even if he had to use it all to push through the veil of darkness.
Slipping his other arm under Duo's trembling shoulders, Heero pulled him as close as physically possible. Cradling the jerking form Zero's master stroked Maxwell's chestnut mane whispering confidence-laden words to give his friend a direction to follow on his liberating trek.
*********
Now the radiant heat surrounded Duo. The voice had lost some of its volume but it was still heard as it repeated his name once more.
"I'm here." Duo's brain confirmed even though his body was more sluggish in its reaction to the verbal stimulant.
With measured caution against the piercing light Duo carefully let his eyelids part a little, waited for his optical nerves to adjust then gradually widened them further.
For a moment panic coursed over him as Duo felt his body being held in a firm confinement. Was the smothering concealment returning? Had the whoring spawns of hell caught him once again to rape his body and ravish his mind until there was nothing left?
"No." the single word rose hoarsely from his throat. So close to freedom.....so close.
With the last of his control Duo's resisted the firm hold. With all the willpower he could muster he strained against the constricting grasp.
"NO!" The primal scream bellowed from his soul's very core. He would not return to that terrible torment even if it meant he would surrender his last breath in the process.
Duo would rather die than remain in the cold, black realm where his spirit could not be free. Death, after all, would be a welcome release and Shinigami had no fear as he responded to the total submission of its all too familiar calling.
With that final decision Duo Maxwell stopped fighting resigning himself to whatever path fate wished him to travel. In freeing his will, he would free his soul and what a blessed relief would follow.
*********
"Duo?" Heero questioned as his struggling friend suddenly went limp in his arms, "Duo. No." he called shaking the lax body held tightly in his arms.
A monitor alarm beeped harshly in the quiet room. A red warning light flashed urgently as the machine no longer registered any heartbeat or respiration. The display screen showed only a flat line where a rhythmic pulsing should have been.
Duo's head lopped to the side coming to rest easily on Heero's shoulder. His eyes were fixed half-opened in a glassy stare that told Heero's he was rapid slipping away.
The Perfect Soldier had seen that look many times before, the unfocused gaze that always preceded the Grim Reaper's claiming of a dying spirit because more often than not Zero's master had been the caused of the fatal condition. Its horrible aspect had reappeared again and again in his nightmares becoming indelible burned into his mind. The strangling wheeze of a last breath escaping from a deflating chest had been repeated until Heero also heard the raspy rattling in his dark dreaming.
But this time Heero Yuy would not accept fate's final decree. This time he would not be an ally of death but he would fight the Claimer of Souls with every ounce of determination he had. Duo would not be allowed to give up even if he was so tired he had drained all his endurance and had nothing left.
Carefully laying Duo back on the bed Heero placed his thumb on Duo's chin forcing his pursed lips open. Taking in a deep breath Heero sealed his mouth over his partner's mouth and expelled the stored up air in one steady stream.
Only a bare flinch answered the forced airflow. The monitor still beeped telling Heero nothing had changed.
"Damn it Duo you are not going to do this." Heero declared taking in another breath and delivering it with all the power he could call up from his newly found compassion.
Heero did not hear the door bust opened. The monitor control at the Nurse's Station had announced with a loud clamor that something in Maxwell's room had gone terribly wrong.
The nurse's quick reaction as they rushed for Duo's room with the crash cart immediately alerted the three pilots in the waiting room to the trouble. Two nurses threw wide the door as the Gundam pilot trio fought the urge to follow them inside.
Knowing they would be in the way and could offer no help they remained in the doorframe as their hearts pounded and they held a collective breath.
Trowa kept Quatre securely in his arms sensing the empathic waves caused by Duo's difficulty as they crashed inside his precious partner. Wufei peered inside offering up a prayer that Duo would not leave them.
"It is not your time Maxwell." Wufei whispered not allowing himself to believe that Deathscythe's master was beyond reclaiming.
One nurse grabbed Heero's arm to pull him back so they could asset the situation. With a throaty growl he resisted then blew a third breath of life over his friend's bluish lips.
Dr. Blare charged passed the gathered Gundam pilots joining the nurses as Heero administered the last breath. He was prepared to physically restrain the young Japanese man when the monitor suddenly became quiet.
The indicator lights returned to green. The display lines began to jump in a steady, even pattern as they indicated a strong regular heartbeat and acceptable respiration.
With a winded sigh Heero straightened up glancing over his shoulder first at the monitor then at his fellow pilots standing in the doorway. A slight smile flitted across his lips as Heero allowed himself to believe Duo was out of danger.
Duo's face had begun to pink up and the bluish cast on his lips had all but vanished. His eyes moved beneath his eyelids before they slid back to reveal clear and much more focused violet orbs.
Duo drew in a long, cleansing breath the first one, it seemed, in the longest time. His eyes wandered about catching glimpses of the room that until then he had not known he occupied. Then his misty eyes came into contact with Yuy's narrowed blue orbs.
It was strange but in those moments following his reclamation Duo didn't feel the need to question where he was or what had happened. He had no memory of the many months before or the week after he had taken a handful of pills. It was as if it was all a haunting dream and now morning had come and he was fully awake.
He was not aware of the time lost to loneliness or the desperation that had led him to try to ease his sorrow with alcohol and drugs or the few times he had sought comfort from an occasionally stranger he invited to his bed.
But all the drinking, drugs and sex had been but a hollow diversion and only for a short time offered any relief. He had known all along that the solution to his problems could be found in the company of his friends with whom he shared the trails of war and without whom he could not find true peace.
Why had he waited so long to return to the only people who really understood him? Why had he continued to run away when he knew there was a safe haven just beyond his heart's pain?
He had fooled himself seeking anything that would cloud his senses so he wouldn't have to feel anymore. Believing no one would accept him, that he was tainted well past redemption, Duo felt his life had no meaning, no purpose pass his next bottle of booze or bag of pills.
*********
Trowa with his arm around Quatre's waist moved inside as Wufei brought up the rear guard. They stopped closed enough so Duo's would not have to strain to see them.
As Dr. Blare checked Duo's heart listening to the sturdy throbbing through his stethoscope he let a satisfied smile poise on his lips. Duo was weak but all his vital signs were stable. He told the nurses they could leave as he believed the crisis was over.
"I am going to let all of you stay for awhile." the Doctor stated as he moved toward the door, "But don't let Mr. Maxwell talk too much and if anything changes press the call button." he instructed knowing by their reaction to everything around them that this was not the first time the young men had been in the a hospital situation.
He had suspected from their first meeting that these youths had experienced more in their short span on this earth than most people would see or do in a lifetime.
They all possessed a maturity well beyond their young years. There was an underlying hardness developed by a harsh life and a fire in their souls forged by the heat of battle and the horrors of war. No, this was not the first time one of them had been close to death and survived the Grim Reaper's harvest.
Duo's weakness-dazed sight finally centered on Heero's sweat-streaked features. Intense cobalt eyes stared from under stringy strands of chocolate hair clinging to his damp forehead. The glare was immediately recognized and felt at the same time. But now there was a confusing softness in that steely stare Duo had never seen before.
A tugging in the back of his mind prompted Maxwell's brain. A basic instinct seemed to kick in insisting that there was something he needed to remember. There was a hole in his recollection. Missing parts, days, hours that had slipped from his mental grasp.
"Heero?" Duo's hoarse voice asked barely above a whisper. "What...."
Heero took his friend's hand intertwining his fingers, "You heard the Doctor don't try to talk now."
The stubborn American, despite the sleepy haze dimming all his senses, insisted badly needing some answers. "But how did I......" he mumbled the words coming roughly from his parched throat.
Quatre poured a glass of water adding a straw to make it easier for Duo to take a decent drink. After the cool water had moistened the dryness the words flowed with less trouble.
"How..." he began again.
"All right I will tell you what we know," Heero agreed, "but you have to be quiet." he insisted.
Quatre pulled up a chair so Duo would not have to put forth any effort to listen. He began with a brief explanation of how Duo had dropped out of the pilot's lives. How they all were heartsick with worry, had gone non-stop for many months using every resource they could to find the young braided man who seemed to have evaporate into thin air.
Quatre once more choked back welling tears as he recalled the frightening telephone call from Sally Po. "Do you realize that you were found by accident?" Quatre snapped with uncharacteristic bluntness as the strain of all the wearisome events finally caught up with his gentle nature.
Deciding it was too difficult for his koi to continue Trowa suggested that Heero take up the tale.
Heero did not sugar coat the details of Duo's condition when he was brought to the Emergency Room as an unidentified stranger barely breathing and in shock. Heero made no effort to lessen the anxiety they all had experienced at the sight of their fellow pilot laying so pale and still after a week of anonymity.
Duo remained quiet throughout the retelling. Occasionally he would shift his sight from one face to another trying to read their expressions to tell what was going on in their minds.
Quatre had always been the easiest to read. His eyes were truly the windows to his gentle soul. Trowa, of course, hardly ever changed his statement although the flexibility of his facial features had softened somewhat from their fixed contours since he and Quatre had become lovers.
Chang Wufei had never been fully expressive but he did not make as much of an effort to hide what he was thinking or feeling. More than once he had launched into a quite long-winded tirade especially when he felt injustice was the righteous reason for his outbursts.
Then there was Heero Yuy. The Japanese man was perhaps the hardest to read. Most of the time he would neither offer physical nor verbal evidence as to what was on his mind and certainly never his heart.
Duo had long ago accepted Heero's coolly composed disposition resigning himself to the fact that Heero knew no other way. Heero had never talked about his past but Duo, through his own experience with the training methods employed by the brilliant but insane scientists, had a good idea of how Yuy had been conditioned. How Heero's humanity had been undermined until there was only the slightest traces left behind.
But as Heero reached the part about Duo's withdrawal into the deep recesses of the shadow lands. As he related how he had fought to bring Duo back and retrieve his feeble spirit, there was a distinct difference in Yuy's entire temperament.
The same softness that Duo had caught a glimpse of when he first found Heero sight locked on him had returned. There was a certain brand of exposure that had laid Heero bare leaving his soul naked for all the world to see.
A pang of guilt stabbed through Duo's heart. His conscience ached with the pain he had caused his friends. But what hurt most of all was the sense of insecurity, the defenselessness Yuy now displayed.
There was a tremble in Heero's voice that expressed his fright at the thought of losing his closest friend. "Duo I......." Heero began then paused as if to gather his thoughts or his nerves or both.
Duo tightened his grip on Heero's hand, "I have to say something." he insisted pleading with his eyes to be heard.
For a moment it seemed that Heero would interrupt but the beseeching look in Maxwell's eyes halted his intensions to speak.
"I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused." Duo began his heartfelt apology, "I never gave any consideration to how my leaving without a word or contact would affect you all. It was a completely selfish act." he declared searching from face to face to find one spark of forgiveness.
"Duo." Quatre spoke up.
"Please let me finish." Duo replied cutting off Winner's words.
Quatre nodded respectfully.
"I can never make amends for the anguish I have caused. I know that I foolishly risk my health, my very life and all because I was too foolish and proud to come home." Duo admitted feeling a great weight lifting from his heart.
"I now humbly beg your forgiveness. I know it will take some time to regain your trust but please give me a chance."
There was a long silence as Duo wondered if he had finally gone too far. Had he destroyed the last bit of friendship, ruined the best thing he had known since Father Maxwell and Sister Helen gave him a home and unconditional love?
Heero reached over pushing back stray bangs from Duo's watering eyes. There was the same tenderness in his touch that was reflected in his eyes.
"You don't have to ask for our pardon." he spoke for the others knowing their minds and hearts. "You hurt yourself far worse than you did any of us. You have to forgive yourself." he insisted, "That is the only way to ease the pain you are feeling now. Let us help you rebuilt your life."
Heero leaned forward bringing his face so near to Duo's face he could feel Heero's warm breath on his cheek. "Please let me help you." Heero requested as he came to grips with his own awaking emotions.
Duo was puzzled by the seemingly sincere offer from Heero Yuy. Was it his imagination or was Heero offering a part of himself that he had for so long kept guarded and secret? Could Heero Yuy truly offer his heart and soul to a street rat turned Gundam pilot?
Heero's finger traced a tear as it ran down Duo's cheek. Lifting the salty moisture to his lips he savored the taste of the beautiful boy. Then leaning closer still Heero broke through the final barrier that had kept his soul mate from his side.
"Duo Maxwell I think I love you." Heero disclosed with unashamed honesty. "I am not sure what to do or how to do it but if you will be patient I will try my best to make you happy." he stated then sealed the promise with a brushing kiss.
Duo stared at his friend who now wanted to be more. Duo, too, in the last weeks before he left had gradually become aware of a change in his feelings. He would lie awake at night watching Heero sleep in the bed across the room. Duo would study every movement, put to memory every contour of his handsome face.
These newly discovered feelings frightened Maxwell. "You shouldn't be thinking like that." he would tell himself when just watching the steady rise and fall of Heero's muscular chest would cause a sexual excitement he couldn't understand.
With each new arousal, each time his physical reaction came in the form of a responding erection, Duo would question his sanity. "No this isn't right." he would argue against the growing emotions.
Then one night when Duo found himself sitting on Heero's bed as he slept soundly, unaware of his presence. When he found himself reaching out to trace the strong curve of Heero's cheekbone. When resisting the urge to kiss that perfect mouth was too tempting, Duo decided that leaving was his only option.
Heero would think he was crazy if he revealed his feelings. He would think Duo Maxwell was a lustful pervert and then he would lose Heero's friendship forever. That was a chance Duo was not willing to take. So he left without a word and disappeared back to a life on the streets where he believed he belonged.
Now Heero was declaring his love for the orphaned "street brat". Now he was telling Duo that his feelings were all right. That he was not a wanton whore with unnatural desires but someone who for the first time in his life had found a pure love and was lucky enough to have that emotion returned. What a remarkable, bittersweet realization.
"If you will have me," Heero's voice brought Duo back from his examination of his emotional status. "I will always protect you. You will be my only lover and soul mate."
Duo raised a trembling hand touching his fingers to Heero's equally trembling lips. "If you will have me." he repeated the faithful words of commitment, "I will be yours and yours alone." he promised guiding Heero's mouth to his for a chaste kiss.
Again it was Trowa who suggest that Heero and Duo be given some much needed privacy. Quatre touched Heero's shoulder as he stood giving it a reassuring squeeze. Then he touch Duo's hand, "We all will be here for both of you." he proclaimed. Trowa and Wufei nodded in agreement.
What the future would hold for Heero and Duo they did not know but they knew they would face it together. There would be a wondrous period of exploration as they learned about their bodies and their hearts. They would grow closerboth physically and mentally and the adventure would be amazing.
OWARI
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