Author: hostilecrayon
Pairings: 1+2, background 3x4
Rating: PG
Warnings: None really, V-day fic
Disclamer: I don't own the boys *Cries*
Notes: Arg! rushed like death! I still can't believe I even made the deadline, and it turned out nothing like it was supposed to be. >.< Arg! At least I finished it. >.<;; For a contest at the LJ Community ficnpicmc.
This is continued from To Forget, part of the Holiday arc I've decided to write. It just so happened the contest and the arc timeline worked out. ^.^; So this is also the Valentine's piece in the Holiday Arc.
To Forgive
It's been one month and fourteen days since Heero reappeared at my door on New Years Eve, after his self-imposed eight year absence. I'd love to report that everything has been like champagne and caviar since then, but that would be more than just a stretch of the truth. Things have been, well, rocky at best. At worst, it's been downright mutinous.
Today really bothers me though. After everything that has been happening, today just takes the cake. It's Valentine's Day, and I don't even think Heero knows it.
Well, let's backtrack a little first. I had decided when he kissed me that night that we would make this work. We moved him in right away, and I gave him his own bedroom, not wanting to imply that I wanted him to sleep with me, but it turned out he wanted to. So he had his own room, but he slept in our bed. I was, well, ecstatic.
Heero went to work with the Preventors, and my mood had never been better. The guys all noticed, and they made it a habit to have as many get togethers as possible now that we were whole again. We somehow managed to squeeze at least two nights a week into our busy schedules, and they were filled with laughter and comfortable companionship.
Sounds great, right? Yeah, it started out that way. The first couple of weeks were amazing. Heero would help cook and clean, and he made a habit of kissing me hello and goodbye everyday in the car at Preventors' HQ.
Our relationship was tentative at best. We slept in the same bed, we kissed hello and goodbye, and we split the chores. The problem was, I wanted more. I was still insecure from eight years of absence, and I needed more reassurance than he was giving me. We were like friends that shared a bed. I wasn't in a real hurry to step into the land of sex, but looking at Quatre and Trowa, I couldn't help but be jealous. They just had some kind of closeness that we just didn't have.
Well, that and I was angry. I'll admit it, I'm still pretty pissed off. Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond happy that he's back. I may have decided to move past what happened, but it's pretty hard to just drop feelings you've had for eight years. And yes, Heero apologized. Somehow, it wasn't enough.
As time went by, I couldn't help but notice how much was missing.
I'm not naïve. I realize that some of that is my fault. I couldn't let go of the past and I was brooding over it. I didn't instigate any of the things I wanted. I expected him to know what I wanted because he is supposed to be my significant other. Well, he didn't and doesn't and probably never will at the rate we're going.
That doesn't stop me from wanting it.
The things I want seem so simple to me. Heero said he left to change, and it's true that he was more talkative, but he certainly didn't learn very much about relationships. I wanted things like sleeping in just to hold each other, cuddling all day just because we could, hot make out sessions on the couch. You know, normal relationship things. I wanted to be able to talk to him about anything, to be able to have those sickening silent conversations with a look like Trowa and Quatre did. I wanted a deeper connection to Heero. He just seemed oblivious to it.
So things steadily got harder. I started picking little meaningless fights. I'd deliberately do things to annoy him, like drink the last of the orange juice and leave the empty carton in the fridge. I ignored him at work. I'd even got to the point to where I wouldn't always kiss him hello after work. I was silent, introspective, and just plain unhappy most of the time. I don't know if Heero noticed, but Quatre sure did.
Quatre, bless his nosy little heart, asked me what was bothering me so much. I just can't say no to Quatre. I ended up spilling my heart out in front of him right there in the damn restaurant we were having lunch in. His advice was easier said than done.
"You need to forgive him, Duo."
"How the hell do I do that? It's been so long... maybe things are just too ruined. Maybe it was too much for me to handle." I put my head in my hands, resisting the urge to tug on my bangs in frustration. "I don't know if I can do this without some help from him."
"You need to talk to him. Stop looking for all of his faults and look at everything he's doing right. Heero wasn't trying to hurt you then, and he's not trying to hurt you now. You need to come to terms with how you feel and let it go."
Easy for him to say.
So now I'm sitting here with a box of chocolates and a giant stuffed bear for the only lover I've ever known, and he's on a mission. Une, who I never did fully forgive for trying to publicly execute me, chose Heero to do a mission today. A mission I was more suited for. I wouldn't really doubt it if she did it on purpose. Or maybe Quatre bribed her, because after all, Trowa is my partner. If I go, he goes, and I know for a fact that Quatre has something pretty special planned for the two of them.
But to send Heero and Wufei? I mean, I know they're Gundam pilots too, so that instantly gives them more merit than anyone else there, but to send brute strength in where agility and speed is needed? Why not Henderson and Andrews? Or maybe Scotts and Brummel? Why in the hell was it Yuy and Chang?
I swear that woman hates me.
The doorbell rings at the same time as the phone rings, breaking me from my continuous brooding. I yell for whoever is at the door to wait a moment while I grab the cordless.
"Hello?" I say impatiently, unlocking the door and swinging it open.
"Duo, is that you?" The man at the door hands me a large vase of flowers with a small card attached.
"Yeah 'Fei, it's me. What's up? Aren't you guys supposed to be out of communication range for a couple more hours?" I distractedly set the flowers on the table by the door and put my John Hancock on some papers and I wave to the guy as he walks away. He says Happy Valentine's Day and he's on his way.
"Duo... are you sitting down?"
"Umm, not yet." I grab the card off the flowers and sit down, intending to read it as soon as Wufei tells me what the hell is the matter. "I am now. Why, what's up?"
"It's Heero..." I almost drop the phone.
"What's wrong? Tell me 'Fei! What the hell is going on!"
"He's been shot."
"Fuck! Is he okay? Where is he at?"
"He's in critical condition, the ICU at Memorial." His voice is short and clipped, telling me just how not alright Heero is. There's a surreal moment where I'm pulled back to the war and Wufei is telling me Heero's self-destructed again before I shake it off. I hang up on him without another thought and race for the door, the card crushed in my hand.
I don't remember the trip to the hospital. I could have come in on a giant peacock for all I know. It feels like I teleported here and as I pass the rows of lifeless bodies in the ICU I can do nothing more but pray. Why couldn't I have just talked to Heero? Why was I so damn stubborn?
I take the empty seat next to the unconscious Heero's bed and immediately grabbed for his hand. That's when I notice that damn card still smashed between my fingers. I must have driven all the way here with it in my hand. Looking at it now, I notice for the first time that it's from Heero.
I turn it over while my left hand gently threads through his hair. The card had a small picture of the flowers I had received earlier with a handwritten message.
Duo,Faithful love, undying hope, memories, do not forget, true love. These are the things Forget-Me-Not flowers symbolize, so in turn, they symbolize you. Do you remember the first few times we met? You shot me the first time, saved me the second and I stole from you in return. The third time we met on the battlefield, amidst the fighting, and I saved you to repay my debt. It feels like we've somehow slipped back into that. We're struggling to communicate, and I know I'm not very good at this, but I love you. I couldn't forget you if I tried. I know you haven't quite forgiven me for my choices at the end of the war, and I understand that. I just hope that you know that my love is true. I'll try harder, my love.
Heero
I'm on the verge of sobbing by the time I finish reading it, and my hand grips tightly over his, hoping that some miracle will wake him up. He has two bullet holes in his chest. It's quite possible that he'll never wake up again.
"I'm sorry." I whisper. "I didn't understand... please don't die on me... I forgive you, Heero... I love you and I need you... I forgive you..."
I feel his fingers twitch and tighten slightly around mine, and I lift my head in shock. Pained blue eyes meet mine. "Duo, I..." His voice was tight and raspy.
"Shh, save your strength, love. Don't you go dying on me."
"I'll try not to." He said with the ghost of a smirk.
My face remained serious as I whispered, "Die on me and I'll follow you."
"Then I'll have to make sure I live then, won't I?"
"I love you. I'm sorry I doubted you." I squeezed tighter on his hand, afraid that he'd disappear if I let go.
"I'm sorry I hurt you."
"Want to start over again?"
"I'd like that." He smiled gently at me, though his brows creased in pain.
"Sleep now, love. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."
I held his hand as he drifted off again. He is going to live and we are going to make it. I just had to let go of my grudges and forgive him. We have a long talk waiting for us after he makes it out of the hospital, but for now, I'll just cling to my hope and his love.
I kiss his sleeping cheek and smile warmly for the first time in almost a month. I'll make sure to find someplace where I can always see those flowers. I don't want to forget.
OWARI
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