Author: Gypsie1201
Pairings: mainly 1x2x1
Warnings: Comedy (note, this is a parody), Language, Implied lemons, Very light lime, OOC-ness, Relena bashing, Yaoi.
Archive: My livejournal, Debs-Dragon - GW Diaries, Akira_1x2.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters, nor will I make any money from the creation of this story.
Feedback: All is welcome and much appreciated.
Summary: When Relena tracks them down at yet another boarding school, Heero decides it's time she learned the truth about his and Duo's relationship. Or are things really all they seem to be in the first place?
Beta work by Chelle.
Author's Note: This is an RFO parody with a twist. What that twist is, you'll have to read to find out. *smile* Expect over use of clichés, my own brand of oddball and sexual humor, a seriously screechy Relena, and absolutely no apology from the author (that's me *grin*).
The Relena Syndrome
Heero Yuy sat in the dim light of his dorm room, his back straight and ridged as he typed at his laptop. When the door to the room was suddenly thrown open to admit his roommate, his only reaction was a slight pause before the click of the keys once again resumed. As for the new presence, Duo Maxwell made sure the door was once again shut firmly, with a rather loud slam, before he stalked across the room, threw his books onto his own desk, then flopped rather angrily onto his bed, heaving a heavy sigh in the process.
Giving into the temptation, knowing if he did not, the braided pilot would continue to heave those heavy sighs until he did, Heero turned in his seat in order to look at his partner and lover, appreciating the appearance of the lithe form laid out on the bed before finally breaking the silence, "What's wrong now?"
"Gee, thanks for caring." Duo sneered at the blue-eyed boy's exasperated tone.
"Duo--"
"She found us again dammit!" the longhaired teen exclaimed and only the minute flash of panic that cross Heero's eyes showed his own reaction to the news. "I saw that gods awful pink car pulling up out front while I was in class. You have no idea how much I wanted to run for the nearest exit right then and just keep on running."
'Oh you'd be wrong there.' Heero thought. 'I'dve beat you through the door.'
At that thought though, he felt a moment's guilt knowing he would have to leave his beloved laptop behind. Of course, the fact that he would probably leave Duo behind as well, crossed his mind but he quickly dismissed it. Shaking himself from his thoughts and shoving the momentary fear to the back of his head, the dark-haired teen stood and walked over to sit on the bed beside Duo.
"It's only a few more days and we'll be finished with this mission." he stated in his normal monotone.
"Yeah, a few more days of hell." Duo snapped, his territorial instincts being put on high with the girl's appearance. "I get so fucking sick of watching her make goo-goo eyes at you all the time."
"Duo--"
"Dammit, you're my boyfriend."
"Duo--!"
"I should just kiss you the next time she starts with the lovey face."
"DUO!"
By this time, the violet-eyed pilot was positively humming with agitation, almost to the point that the bed beneath him was beginning to vibrate and while Heero found the sensation to be rather pleasurable, he did not want Duo's temper to overwhelm him. After all, an irate Shinigami was likely to level the entire school without even a second thought. So, knowing the teen was well on his way to complete meltdown, Heero gave up the prospect of returning to his mission report and leaned down and kissed the reclining teen. He needed to calm the Deathscythe pilot and there was always one sure fire way of accomplishing that.
'Ninmu Ryoukai.' he thought, quickly deepening the kiss as he lay down beside the braided teen.
********************
The next evening found the blue-eyed pilot of Wing in the exact same position in front of his laptop, trying to catch up on the report he had neglected the night before. However, just as he was starting on the final statement he needed to add, a light knock came to the door. Immediately, his hand went for the gun he kept in the back of his spandex shorts, how it stayed there was a trade secret he would never divulge even under torture. Then standing from his chair, he walked to the door and yanked it open, causing the pink clad girl on the other side to jump slightly.
"Oh, Heero." Relena breathed as she fought to calm her racing heart, the trays she was juggling in her hands wobbled slightly before she could right them. "I brought dinner." She continued with a bright smile as she tried to peer past him into the room. "Is Duo here?"
"No." Heero stated. "He had basketball practice."
"Oh." she said as a light blush colored her cheeks and an even brighter smile lifted the corners of her lips.
"Did you need something?" he asked, his gruff attitude caused her to blink at him. While he could not see the loving and dreamy look in her eyes that Duo always swears is there, he did know that the smile and blush she had just displayed caused a twist in the pit of his stomach and he just wanted her gone.
"Um well, I brought dinner?" she repeated hopefully and was even more shocked when he reached out and took both trays from her.
"I'm sure Duo will appreciate it." he stated before turning and kicking the door shut in her face.
For a brief moment, Relena simply stared at the now closed door before she shook her head in exasperation, a sad smile gracing her pale pink lips. Then turning, she walked back down the hallway, failing to notice the shadow that detached itself from the corner as she passed; headed toward the room she had just left.
In the room, Heero had just laid the two trays of food on Duo's desk when the door flew open and shut almost as quickly, although much quieter than the night before. Turning quickly, he once again had his gun in his hand and pointed directly at the intruder before he could even blink.
"Oh, for crying out loud, put that away before you hurt yourself." Duo snorted as he continued across the room to his bed.
"Where were you?"
"Practice, remember?" Duo countered, sitting down and shrugging the backpack onto the floor.
"It was over fifteen minutes ago." Heero stated. "It does not take that long to walk across the campus."
"So, I took my time, you know, enjoyed the fresh air and all." The longhaired teen hedged earning him a blistering glare, which indicated that Heero was not buying the story at all. "Ok, gods, I saw the pink monster headed this way so I sorta… hid around the corner until she was gone."
"You hid from Relena?" Heero asked as he blinked in surprise just before a loud yet short-lived laugh burst from him. "The God of Death hid from a girl?"
Giving the other boy a glare of his own, Duo crossed his arms over his chest and proceeded to not pout. "You suck, you know that?" Duo snarled.
"Oh, I'm well aware of that." Heero leered and that was all the warning the violet-eyed boy received before he pounced and proceeded to make Duo forget all about Relena and everything else for that matter.
********************
For the next two days, both Heero and Duo did everything they could to avoid Relena, even going so far as to spending most of their time in the school weight room and boy's locker room, expecting that a proper young lady would never enter such a place. However, the conditions were quickly wearing on both of them since it meant they were very rarely alone, cutting very severely into their sex life.
"Dammit Heero, I'm so fucking horny I could throw you down and do it right here." Duo stated as he once again spotted for the other pilot while he was using the bench press. The weight room at that time of the evening only held three other students, all working at their own machines and none seemed to be paying much attention to them.
"Duo." Heero growled in warning while trying to maintain his concentration at working the two hundred pound weights up and down. One glance up at the braided teen though proved to be even more distracting than the words since Duo's shorts just happened to have very loose legs and the jock strap was having a hard time containing the evidence of the teen's statement. Carefully pushing the bar up, the dark-haired teen settled it into its holder before sitting up from the bench.
"That was only fifty." Duo stated in surprise. "You normally do at least a hundred, what gives?"
Without deigning to give an answer, which was not really a problem since Duo did not really expect one; the blue-eyed pilot stood up, grabbed the violet-eyed teen by the wrist, and headed toward the locker room.
"Heero wha…?" Duo exclaimed before his teenaged hentai mind finally kicked in and he found himself grinning smugly the rest of the way across the room. However, once they reached the locker room, Heero merely went about his normal routine of showering and changing back into his school uniform instead of the ravishment Duo had been expecting. As it was, it was only his surprise at the dark-haired boy's inaction that kept him from acting on his earlier threat as he too began the process of cleaning up.
About fifteen minutes later, they were both once again dressed in their uniforms and ready to head across campus. Well, Heero had been ready after only five minutes, but nearly three feet of hair can be a real pain to deal with and definitely does not lend itself to short showers. The dark-haired boy took it in his normal, stoic way though; he sat and contemplated the best way of tying the boy down and cutting it off to a more reasonable length while at the same time, another part of his brain considered the other uses such long hair contained, most specifically its perfect leash-like capabilities. In the end, having a built in restraint for his lover won out over practicality so when Duo finally appeared, just putting the final touches on his braid, Heero merely gave him a nod and led the way from the locker room.
"So now what?" Duo asked once they made sure the hall was clear. "Do you want to go back to the room; I know I don't particularly like the thought of sleeping on the roof again tonight. Or the bleachers in the gym for that matter."
"Hn." Heero answered, earning him an exasperated look as the violet-eyed boy threw his hands up in the air.
"What'dya mean you think it's safe to go back? I serious doubt if she's given up yet."
"Hn."
"Oh please, the girl's like a damn leech; once she grabs on, she sticks like glue."
"Hn."
"No way, I don't want anything to do with her."
"Duo," Heero finally growled, coming to a stop and turning to pin the longhaired boy with his patented Glare of Death. "what the hell are you talking about? I haven't said anything."
"Exactly and that the problem." Duo snapped back. "Someone has to interpret your Monosyllablese(1)."
"Baka." Heero growled with just a hit of exasperation before turning and continuing down the hall once again.
"Yeah, I love you too." the violet-eyed teen smiled.
Choosing to ignore the comment, Heero swept the area constantly as he walked, looking for even the hint of the color pink while his mind began to formulate the Perfect Plan to deal with Relena once and for all. After all, he may scoff and glare at Duo's complaints concerning their lack of interaction, but in truth, he was feeling the strain of forced abstinence as well and while a frustrated and horny Deathscythe pilot was considered dangerous and unpredictable, an equally frustrated and horny Wing pilot was down right homicidal. Therefore, seeing as how the Dorlian girl was needed for the peace efforts, he would just have to find a way of destroying her childish fantasies without destroying her.
Luckily, by the time they reached their dorm, without a single pink sighting might I add, he had the Perfect Plan all lined out and immediately went to his laptop to begin phase one.
"Heero." Duo whined when he saw his lover open the top and hit the power switch. "This is the first time we've been alone in two days, do you have to do whatever that is right now?"
Turning in his seat, the blue-eyed boy was treated to the sight of his lover reclining on his bed, shirt open to his navel and hand inside his dress pants, messaging his obvious erection. It took Heero several tries to swallow as the sight when straight to his own cock, but he had a mission to plan and if they ever wanted to be free of Relena's meddling then he had to finish it tonight. Therefore, turning back to his laptop, he simply grunted in response to the longhaired teen's invitation.
"Fine then, I guess I have to deal with this myself." Duo groused and for the next five minutes, Heero was treated to the moans and gasps that proved beyond a doubt that Duo was doing just that. By the time the braided teen moaned his release, Heero was so hard it hurt but still he remained in his seat, continuing the mission plan. He knew he would have to take care of it before he went to sleep that night, but for now, there were more important things to do.
********************
The following evening, after a day spent finalizing the plan and implementing the first steps of the mission he had named The Relena Syndrome for no other reason than he liked it, Heero drug Duo back down to the weight room to do his evening workout.
"Dammit Hee-chan, she didn't show up last night or this morning so I say we go back to the room and screw like bunnies all night." the braided pilot leered, wiggling his eyebrows for emphasis. "What better way to workout?"
"I didn't finish my set last night so I have to do double tonight to make up for it." the blue-eyed teen stated calmly.
"What?!" Duo exploded. "Fuck no, if you do that many lifts you won't have the energy for sex and dammit, my hand's gonna fall off if I have to deal with it myself one more night."
"We leave this school tomorrow; I think you can last until then." Heero snapped, although in truth, his plan called for Duo to be more than frustrated enough to do something about it in about an hour's time.
"Dammit Heero…." Duo snarled and grabbed the dark-haired boy's arm with the intention to slamming him against the wall where he could talk to him face to face instead of speaking to the back of his head as he had been doing since they left their room. However, instead he found himself pressed flat to the wall by a very hard and muscular body while the owner of said body proceeded to practically devour his mouth. Moaning helplessly at the first real touch from his lover in three days, Duo could do nothing else but respond just as enthusiastically. Unfortunately though, Heero was still in mission mode and released him only a moment later, leaving him panting as he watched the dark-haired pilot of Wing continue down the hall. "Damn but I love his distraction techniques." Duo mumbled after a moment before rushing to catch up with his frustrating lover.
Twenty minutes later though, he found himself cursing said techniques as he watched Heero pressing the weights for the eightieth time. By now, his cock was so hard he thought for sure he was going to pass out from blue balls. Not only had the kiss in the hallway been bad, but the way Heero looked, laid out on the bench with those tight spandex shorts clinging to every inch of his body, was giving him several quite vivid ideas of how the position could be used to his advantage. On top of that, Heero had started to give little grunts and groans with each lift and drop of the bar, nearly causing Duo to lose it just from the sound.
Finally, once the dark-haired teen hit the one hundred mark and after checking to make sure the weight room was still completely empty, Duo could not take it anymore. Reaching down, he grasped the bar when Heero raised it all the way and guided it to the rests. The blue-eyed Wing pilot gave him a questioning look but he simply shook his head and once the weights were safely in the cradle he walked around to the side of the bench and promptly straddled the prone teen.
"Duo--"
"Just shut up Heero." the violet-eyed teen snarled before leaning down and capturing the other teen's mouth in a deep kiss as he slowly began grinding his hips into those beneath him. Almost immediately, Heero's hands came up and grasped the braided teen's ass, pulling their bodies even closer as he met the boy's thrusts with his own. Unfortunately, as to be expected, the moment was shattered only a few seconds later when a piercing scream rent the air causing both their head's to snap toward the door leading to the locker room. There, in all her pink glory, they saw Relena Peacecraft-Dorlian, her eyes as big as saucers and her mouth hanging open in shock. Unfortunately, the shock did not last long and a minute later; she screwed her face up in an imitation of Heero's own glare before stalking across the room toward the two reclining boys.
At seeing her approach, Duo's eyes opened as big as softballs and he moved to climb off Heero but the blue-eyed teen's arms immediately wrapped tightly around his waist, causing the longhaired boy to give his lover a puzzled look. However, Heero's gaze was glued on the approaching girl and he paid no heed to his lover's struggles.
"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Relena asked, her calm and measured tone belied by the fury they could clearly see in her eyes.
"What does it look like we're doing?" Heero countered. "We were kissing; it is what lover's do isn't it? And we are lovers."
"You're lying." the girl snarled.
"Relena--" Duo started, but the look of cold fury she sent his way caused him to stop.
"What reason would I have to lie? You can see for yourself, Duo and I are quite comfortable together." Heero stated, causing Relena to look between the two of them as the fury in her eye ebbed only to be replaced first by hurt then by righteous anger.
"You did this, you poisoned his mind." she snapped. "How could you lure an innocent into your world of unnatural sin and destroy him like this?"
"Huh?" Duo asked, quite shocked at the venom in the girl's words. "What're you--"
"You no doubt preyed on his good nature and giving heart to get what you wanted, but I won't stand for it, you hear me?" Relena continued, completely ignoring the braided teen's protests. "I'll show him the proper way of things, how it's supposed to be between a boy and a girl."
"Rel--" Duo tried again, only to have her cut him off a second time as the dreamy look he was all to familiar with came to her eyes.
"And then, when this war is over and we're old enough, he'll propose and we'll finally start our lives together." she stated, clasping her hands together at her breast and completely ignoring the two boys still embraced on the weight bench. "I just know our children will have his eyes; violet is such a beautiful color."
'What the fuck!' Duo's mind exclaimed even as he registered the shaking coming from the body beneath him. Chancing a look down and away from the obviously delusional girl beside them, he felt his jaw sag at seeing his normally composed boyfriend's red face from fighting the laughter that wanted to escape him. However, Relena's next words tore through the shock he felt at Heero's actions and destroyed all his preconceived notions about her.
"Oh Duo, how can you put up with someone like him?" she cooed. "You must be the most patient person I know."
"Me?" he squeaked, as he sat up abruptly while looking from the blue-eyed boy to her and back again. "But I thought you… and Heero."
"Heero?!" she exclaimed, aghast. "He tried to kill me. And you were so brave when you rescued me, how could I not love you."
To this, Duo had only one reply as he stared back down at Heero, "You knew didn't you?"
Heero's knowing smile and the tiny chuckle that escaped him was all the answer the longhaired boy needed. He immediately launched himself up off the other teen's body as he stared in fury at him, before he could say anything though, he caught movement out the corner of his eye that make him freeze in horror.
"My darling Duo!" Relena exclaimed as she moved to embrace her one true love, arms coming up to latch onto his arm like a proper young lady, and a glowing smile lighting her face. It was the sight of those hands headed toward his right arm that set the violet-eyed boy in motion. He turned faster than he had ever moved in his life and was across the room and out the door before she even registered his absence.
The high-pitched screech of "DUUUUUOOOOO!" could be heard echoing across the school campus a few minutes later along with a maniacal laughter that sent chills through the hearts of those who heard it.
********************
Two months following that day in the weight room, Duo was still not speaking to Heero. Oh, the sex was still amazing, but the dark-haired boy always did know how to distract him so the longhaired boy chalked it up to inevitable and stopped fighting it after the second time Heero tied him down and screwed his brains out. Finally though, his curiosity, being almost cat-like and everyone knows what happened to that poor unfortunate creature, became too much for him to take and he cornered the boy in yet another weight room in yet another boarding school.
"Ok, I give, how exactly did you know it was me she liked and not you?" he asked indignantly with his arms crossed over his chest, no he was not pouting.
"It was simple." Heero stated. "I just thought back over the behavior you always said she showed toward me and noticed it was only when you were there that she displayed the… lovey faces and goo-goo eyes. I therefore determined that they must be directed at you, not me."
"Then why is she always following us around, asking you to kill her?"
"Too easy." Heero snorted as he completed his reps on the leg press. "The first time she met you, I was trying to kill her. You saved her then and she's under the impression that if I tried again, you would run to her rescue, this time declaring your undying love."
Duo could only stare in horrified shock at Heero's explanations since they made so much sense once they had been voiced. "Well fuck." he muttered.
"Exactly." the blue-eyed pilot nodded just before he pounced and did just that.
********************
Meanwhile, in another boarding school where her sources had assured her that Heero and Duo were staying, Relena snuck down the hall of the boy's dorm. She had only been there a day and as yet, had seen no sign of either boy but she was not about to give up.
"Don't you worry, my dearest Duo." she whispered as she clutched the note the longhaired teen had sent her, asking her to meet him in the weight room at the last school, to her breast. "I will find you and save you from that horrible boy."
'But that horrible boy really is quite handsome don't you think, especially laid out on that bench in those tight shorts.' her teenaged hentai mind provided, causing her to smile. 'Maybe instead of saving our love, we could join him.' her mind continued, bringing an even bigger smile to her face as visions of the three of them flashed before her eyes. 'Yes, that just might work for the best.'
OWARI
(1) In plain and simple Duo-speak, this is the language Heero uses when he speaks in monosyllables; in other words, The Language of Hn.
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