Author's Notes: I'd intended to get the Dursley scene over with in one whole chapter, but things didn't quite develop that way. Silly Capricious and her habit to embellish. :grins: And as an afterthought, Silly Capricious for referring to herself in third-person POV. I would have especially had this chapter out earlier if not for the fact I caught an evil cold. :mumbles: Stupid cold germs...
As an afterthought, I would have had this chapter out sooner, but FF. Net was doing that maintenance thing.
Yay! Over a hundred reviews, and only four chapters in! That makes me so happy. :dances a little jig: So much thanks goes to all my reviewers! Cake for EVERYONE! Also an especially LONG chapter! Double yay!
Enjoy!
Harry Potter and the Forgotten Heirs Part 4
Dudley Dursley was many things, and none of them seemed particularly charming. He was egotistical, gluttonous, manipulative, cruel, and overbearing. From day one he seemed to realize he held such an overwhelming power of influence over his parents, and the other traits seemed to come hand in hand with that knowledge. He was never denied what he wanted, and when he wanted something, his parents always gave him the best money could buy. This made him spoiled, greedy, and indulgent, especially when it came to things like meaningless possessions and food. His parents obvious denial that Dudley could be anything less than the perfect son forced them to turn a blind eye to both his obesity and his obvious attraction to violence, especially when he was the one inflicting the violence.
He thrilled in causing the pain and fear of others to the point of sadism; the adrenaline rush of his unfortunate victims' cowering before him or running away in fear of him was both an addiction and a need. Subconsciously, he realized that other parents showed their love by disciplining their children when they were as unruly and demanding as Dudley, wanting to ensure their children grew to be moral and prosperous adults. Dudley Dursley didn't have that assurance; he'd never been disciplined for anything in his entire life, and he believed that concern for his safety was something his parents were unwilling to give. He used the euphonium overpowering others gave him to fill that unrealized void for acknowledgment from his parents.
There was no better focus for his need to inflict pain on others than his freakish cousin. That, too, had been something that was ingrained into Dudley at a very early age. His parents' constant depreciation and loathing for the scrawny boy was passed on to Dudley through learned actions throughout Harry's stay with the Dursley family, and Petunia and Vernon Dursley's constant lording over showering Dudley with whatever he wanted, whether it be the quality of food or gifts, while Harry had to accept hand-me-down clothes, tiny portions of the poorest part of meals, and no gifts whatsoever. This constant conditioning inspired Dudley to be selfish and boastful over what he had that others did not. It didn't even matter if he actually wanted whatever toy or second helping of dessert he asked for, as long as he could say that he had it. It was especially pleasurable when he could join in with his parents over lording what Dudley had that Harry didn't.
In retrospect, Dudley's general unpleasantness could have been avoided if someone had taken the time to intervene in the Dursleys' child-rearing habits early on, when Dudley was still capable of comprehending things like humility and moral fibre. As it stood, that time had come and gone too long ago to do any good for him now.
There was one thing, however, that Dudley was beginning to realize he wanted that his parents couldn't freely give to him. Not legally, anyway; he was positive that, should he probe the subject with his parents, they would do anything in their power to make sure their precious son was satisfied. He was starting to realize he would soon have to resort to such drastic measures if he didn't find his wants fulfilled soon, and it was one thing he was reluctant to ask his parents for.
Dudley Dursley wanted a girl.
He didn't want a girlfriend. Most of his puberty was spent seeing women as objects for pleasure and nothing more. Having a girlfriend would require that Dudley actually spend time with the inferior sex outside of snogging and shagging, and the constant fawning and yearning for attention and love outside of a rough tumble in bed was not something Dudley was willing to put up with. He had his own wants and needs to satisfy, so why waste his precious efforts on the wants and needs of others?
However, from observing the behavior of his posse when it came to picking up birds, the old saying his aunt Marge always nattered about (always after a couple of generous helpings of brandy) had proven true. One really couldn't lure flies with vinegar. If he was going to get a girl, he would actually have to fake some desire for commitment, at least until he got what he wanted.
Dudley Dursley found his virgin status intolerable. If he wanted to unburden himself from this gross injustice, he was going to have to work some kind of mojo during this summer. He refused to remain a virgin when all of his other friends came to him with feverishly detailed stories of their sexual exploits when he had no experiences of his own to gloat about. Oh, he lied well enough to get away with pretending that he'd had more girls and better sex than all of them combined without question, but lying about it didn't quite gratify his need for justification.(1,2)
He was fuming over his sordid sex life (or lack thereof) when he was suddenly interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. His parents had stepped out for a moment, and that freak was probably busy weeding the garden in the backyard before his parents got home so he would actually be allowed something resembling a meal for the evening. It always irked him that the freak took the time to worry about Dudley's parents' reaction if their orders weren't followed to the letter, but his cousin didn't consider Dudley enough of a threat to answer the door if Dudley bothered to try to make him do so.
The overweight teenager sighed noisily in irritation and pulled his heavy body from where the couch had sunken in dangerously under three hundred and some-odd pounds of girth mostly made up of muscle and fat. While he was now a boxing champion at his father's alma mater, thanks to actual encouragement from his coach (both when it came to bulking up and constructively feeding his addiction to violence), he still had a considerable amount of flab that had yet to turn into hard muscle.
He almost tore the door off with his vigor to make the unwelcome visitor go away sooner so he could finish the program on the telly, but the actual sight made him stop cold.
A beautiful teenaged girl had decided to grace the doorstep of Number 4 Privet Drive. She was breathtakingly gorgeous with her sparkling eyes that were accented with kohl and a subtle shade of violet eyeshadow that brought out the uniqueness in her irises. Her hair was long and thick and shiny, falling down to the curve of a delectable rump that Dudley didn't have the pleasure of seeing; but with a body like that, such a cute arse was inevitable. She had long legs that her flowing floral-print skirt hugged and teased with the aid of the wind, leaving a lot to the imagination. Attached to those legs were lean, narrow hips that curved angularly, and a rather generously proportioned bust that was neither too big or too small for her build.
Perhaps her only imperfection was that her shoulders appeared to be a little too broad compared to the women Dudley often saw in dirty mags that were secreted under his mattress, but her sweet smile more than made up for that slight flaw. When she spoke, her voice was low and husky; the perfect bedroom voice that Dudley usually heard from the vast combination of x-rated movies that belonged to him and his friends.
The words, however, were certainly nothing like what Dudley heard from any pornography. "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?"
That certainly put a damper on Dudley's rising lust. If anything killed a potential fantasy so fast and so quickly, it was bringing up an icon from a religion that demanded abstinence from followers. It almost wasn't worth making the effort to at least attempt to fake interest in dating her, even if he planned to drop her as soon as he got what he wanted. However, she was so much more beautiful than the kind of girls his friends picked up, and Dudley Dursley had the best of everything.
Apparently, he didn't have anything to worry about when it came to the girl being a religious prude. When Dudley had taken too long to form a reply, she grinned lopsidedly, her glistening petal pink lips drawing Dudley's eyes immediately. She had such straight, perfect white teeth, not like most of the British nation. "Oh, so you were staring at the glory that is my delectable self. For a moment, I thought you were speechless because you expected me to be a Jehovah's Witness or something."
American girl. And, if what Dudley had heard was true, American girls were easier than most, especially when it came to British boys. Something about some attraction to the differences in accents, which was understandable; her own accent was especially exotic.
Before he could formulate a reply (hopefully something that would be in some way endearing to her and how attracted he was to her), she offered a hand, her fingernails painted the same shade of light pink as her lips. "My name's Dana Kinsley. I'm in Surrey visiting a friend of mine from school."
Dudley took her hand lightly, expecting a dainty handshake. He was a little surprised to find a stronger grip than he initially expected. "I'm Dudley Dursley. What brings a pretty girl like you to my humble doorstep?"
His attempt at suavity must have worked because she hid her face shyly behind her hand as she giggled nervously. "Well, that's just the thing, really. I'm... a bit out of place. I don't know my way around much, and I can't seem to find my friend. I was hoping that I could use your phone?" Her final statement tapered off more like an inquiry than an actual request as her sparkling eyes looked to him hopefully.
Dudley swiftly moved out of the doorway, inviting her inside with a sweeping hand gesture and a smile. Even if being congenial wasn't in his nature, Dudley certainly knew how to manipulate people; girls were no exception. If he was going to use honey to draw in this fly, he was certainly going to put some effort into it. "Come on in. I never turn down a girl in need."
Her cheeks reddened slightly, the corner of her eyes crinkling as she hid what Dudley assumed was a smile behind her palm again. He took her embarrassment as a good sign; maybe the British accent and pretending to be interested in her instead of what she had to offer him was working after all?
She glided into the foyer with a click of her high-heeled shoes on the linoleum floor, wandering further into the Dursley home with a curious expression on her face as she examined the domicile. Her attention on the interior design (what else would a girl consider while looking around like she was?) gave Dudley plenty of time to observe the pleasurable curve of an arse that he had known was meant to come with such a beautifully sculpted body.
"Nice place," she commented, smiling again as she looked over her shoulder at Dudley. He jerked his eyes away from her bum to hurriedly smile disarmingly at her in return.
"Thanks," Dudley replied, hoping the sudden tightening at the corners of her mouth wasn't because he'd been caught staring at a place that girls didn't like boys staring at. Girls were weird like that. "My dad owns his own business, and we happen to be quite wealthy because of it." What better way to bring a girl to his bed than by informing her of how wealthy he was by proxy? That's all girls really looked for in guys, right?
"Lucky you," she murmured airily, not even seeming the least bit impressed by this knowledge. "Thanks for letting me use your phone. Being a complete stranger and all..."
"It's no problem," Dudley said, smiling charmingly. "Especially for a beautiful lady in need." He led her over to the phone in the hallway leading to the kitchen; with his back to her, he was completely ignorant of the girl rolling her eyes in exasperation. "Here it is."
"I can see that," she said huskily, sounding amused. With a quick, sultry smile of thanks directed toward the boy, she picked up the phone and quickly dialed a number that Dudley didn't quite catch. He watched as she waited for someone on the other side to pick up; however, after almost an entire minute of letting the phone ring, she bowed her head in defeat and hung up.
"My friend hasn't made it home yet," she said sadly, looking up at Dudley with large eyes. "I don't think I can find the house from here..."
Dudley quickly jumped at the opportunity to have the girl stay longer so he could wear down her defenses more. "You can stay here and try again later. I'm sure she'll be home eventually."
She seemed to hesitate, her eyes flickering over the many pictures lining the walls, all of which featured Dudley and/or his parents in some form or another. "If you're sure I won't be imposing..."
"Of course not," Dudley insisted. This was working out a lot better than he'd originally thought it would. "A Dursley never turns away a girl in need."
"That's... nice," she replied vaguely, her voice oddly choked. Perhaps moving into her personal space had been a bit much when he'd decided to step closer because she seemed to lean back a little for breathing room. "Are you the only one here?"(3)
Dudley froze. Damn. "Well, I-"
His freak cousin took that exact moment to come in from the backyard, filthy with dirt and sweat, his expression sour yet resigned to his fate as the Dursley family's personal slave. The freak was actually bold enough to snidely mimic Dudley's mother's high, demanding voice as he bitterly murmured, "'And that garden better be weedless by the time we get back, or you won't be getting any dinner for a week.' It's like she intentionally lets the garden get that out of hand just to spite me. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if that is her reason for being such a lazy-"
Harry finally noticed that Dudley was in the hallway; more importantly, Dudley was in the hallway with a girl. The freak immediately halted his words, blinking rapidly at the sight before him. "You have a girlfriend, Dudders?"
Dudley wanted to pound his cousin's freakish face into ground beef for Harry's incredulous disbelief, hating that the other was implying that Dudley couldn't get a girlfriend. Balling his hands into tight fists, he grounded out through gritted teeth, "Like I've ever seen you with a girl, Potter."
The girl blinked, apparently confused by the way Dudley chose to address the other boy with barely veiled contempt. "Sibling rivalry?" she suggested, glancing between the two of them curiously.
Dudley immediately scoffed, and Harry's face spoke volumes to how disturbed he was about the matter. "We're not siblings. I can't stand the freak."
"As if a spoiled, overbearing oinker like you is such a pleasure to be around," Harry replied out of place. Again, Dudley felt the overwhelming desire to beat the snot right out of his cousin, only to curb his need for inflicting pain on the scrawny little freak for fear that the girl would run off at such a show of violence.
Harry seemed to do a double-take, examining the girl closely for a long moment; Dudley could almost see the cogs working behind his cousin's expressive, freakishly green eyes, and he feared his cousin was beginning to realize how gorgeous the girl was. The freak would go as far as to attempt to steal away what Dudley wanted out of spite. (At least, Dudley thought Harry would be so envious over his obvious superiority over Harry that his downtrodden cousin would covet what Dudley wanted.)
So Dudley was surprised when a look of realization spread across Harry's face. "Oh... my... God," Harry choked out seconds before he doubled over and began to laugh.
Dudley stared at the obviously insane freak. He's lost his gourde!
----------
Meanwhile, the series of these aforementioned events happened much differently for Dana Kinsley. Dudley Dursley was certain that he and Dana were the only ones in the conversation, but he was wrong. Not only did Dana know they were being watched, but she could hear the voices of those who did the watching.
"That must be the cousin."
"Didn't Harry say he and his cousin don't get along?"
"I'm certain Harry doesn't get along with his entire family. He always writes negatively about them."
"He doesn't write about them at all in his letters to me!"
"You think muggles are inferior, and Duo's trying to change that. Harry probably doesn't want to give you a negative view of muggles."
"I knew that braided numbskull was only feeding me half the story on those bloody muggles!"
Dana, needless to say, became rather tired of the banter from the voices in her head -literally. And Harry's cousin was... staring at her with look of unbridled lust, and it was seriously freaking her out.
"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?" she blurted, relaxing when his face slackened with disbelief, the lust immediately seeming to fade.
Of course, the lustful gaze didn't disappear fast enough to avoid the notice of their watchers. Two of the voices were cackling almost madly, and Dana could hear one of the gentler voices murmur, "Oh, dear..."
Yet another voice calmly said, "Looks like Dana's a little too convincing, isn't she?"
A fifth voice actually growled.
Dana felt her lips curl into a smile. A show of jealousy... This will prove most interesting. Than she looked back at the Dursley kid with a small amount of trepidation turning her stomach. Disturbing... but interesting.
"Oh, so you were staring at the glory that is my delectable self. For a moment, I thought you were speechless because you expected me to be a Jehovah's Witness or something."
There was silence from the voices. Then, "Are you flirting with the fat muggle?"
Dana wouldn't have answered even if she could; answering an inquiry that Dursley hadn't heard would certainly cause him to become suspicious. Instead, she held out her hand. "My name's Dana Kinsley. I'm in Surrey visiting a friend of mine from school."
He took the bait. "I'm Dudley Dursley. What brings a pretty girl like you to my humble doorstep?"
"The dishonorable cad."
"That's... I don't know whether to laugh or cry."
Someone growled.
"You don't think he'll try to kiss her, do you?"
"I can't decide who I would be more worried for if that happened, little one." It was clear why one of the voices would worry for Dursley when another growl echoed in Dana's ear.
Dana almost threw up in her mouth a little. She placed her palm over her mouth to hide her visible frown of disgust when she tasted bile on the back of her tongue, and once she was certain nothing embarrassing would happen, she forced a weak chuckle. "Well, that's just the thing, really. I'm... a bit out of place. I don't know my way around much, and I can't seem to find my friend. I was hoping that I could use your phone?" There. Hopefully she didn't sound traumatized by Dursley's flirting.
The rotund teenager welcomed her inside. "Come on in. I never turn down a girl in need."
Dana smiled in amusement. Oh, if only he knew...
When Dana stepped over the threshold, she immediately began to survey her surroundings. She chanced a frown, her back turned to Dursley; her target was no where in sight. In fact, there didn't seem to be any sign that there was another person there. Crap...
"Where is he?"
"Is this the right house?"
"Number 4 Privet Drive. We checked the address, remember?"
"Does this mean she'll have to stay?"
"Hn." A dissatisfied grunt.
"Nice place." Dana gulped and forced a smile, turning to look at Dursley just in time to see his head jerk up guiltily. She barely restrained the urge to lose her cool and beat the guy's face into pulp. Perverted bastard...
"Thanks," he said, attempting to recover from his social faux pas. "My dad owns his own business, and we happen to be quite wealthy because of it."
What a jackass...
A voice snorted. "What a witless plebeian. Obviously he wouldn't know true wealth if it bit him on the arse."
Draco Malfoy, ladies and gentlemen, Dana thought sardonically. Supreme Ruler of Elitist Snobs.
"Lucky you," she murmured nonchalantly, hoping to convey just how much that mattered to her. Really. "Thanks for letting me use your phone. Being a complete stranger and all..."
"It's no problem," he said, preening. "Especially for a beautiful lady in need." When he began leading her further into the house, she rolled her eyes to show her aggravation. Dana didn't know how long she could tolerate Dursley's failings as a suave seducer, but it was quickly beginning to grind on her nerves.
"Here it is," he said, presenting her to the phone with a wide hand gesture.
Dana had to stifle a snicker over his posturing. He looked like an exuberant car salesman presenting the latest wears to a potential buyer. "I can see that."
She picked up the receiver and dialed a random number; before the call could go out, however, she subtly pulled the extension from its slot on the side of the phone, killing the line for the moment.
"Harry's still not around."
"He couldn't be out, could he?"
"Are you kidding? That would be going against Dumbledore's request for Harry to stay at Number 4 for as long as possible. Trust me; I've written the Headmaster about letting Harry stay with me twice, and both times he said it was too soon for Harry to leave."
"I suppose Dumbledore wants to take advantage of the Dursleys' blood protection over Harry as long as possible."
"Heero, you do realize she's going to have to stay there until Harry shows up."
A growl. "If he doesn't show in five minutes, she's leaving."
"... I'll concede to that."
"Good."
Dana stifled a groan before she slowly placed the phone down, deciding to leave the extension unplugged. She looked at Dursley sadly and said, "My friend hasn't made it home yet. I don't think I can find the house from here..."
Of course, the jerk jumped at the chance to 'get to know' Dana. "You can stay here and try again later. I'm sure she'll be home eventually."
"Why aren't there any pictures of Harry?" the nasally voice demanded suddenly.
"What?"
"Heero's right... Look at the pictures on the walls. None of them have Harry in them..."
Dana's eyes flew to the family portraits and framed snapshots, barely suppressing her frown. All of them had a member of the Dursley family in some form or another, but Dana didn't see a single sign of Harry. Oh, God... what if I'm in the wrong house?
"If you're sure I won't be imposing..."
"Of course not," he said, perhaps a little too eagerly, both in action and words. He moved too close for comforting, his large mass invading her precious personal space. The close proximity made her squirm backwards, but the small of her back pressed against the small table where the phone was resting. "A Dursley never turns away a girl in need."
Dana was starting to feel the bile rise in her throat again. "That's... nice." It had to be the right house. Harry had to be there! "Are you the only one here?"
Dursley blanched at that, obviously displeased. Thank GOD. "Well, I-"
And then Harry Potter himself came in to save the day. As always.
"Ever notice how he shows up at exactly the right time; not a moment sooner or later?"
A snort. "Hero's luck."
"That makes sense, actually. Heero has the same luck."
"Heero's name is 'Hero'. Stands to reason he was sort of destined to be one."
Of course, Dana found it difficult to keep up with both of the conversations going on at once, one being the one in her head and the other being a conversation Harry seemed to be having with himself. Judging by the sour expression on the Gryffindor's face, Harry was actually complaining to himself.
Than Harry stopped talking, looking between Dursley and Dana with a dumbfounded expression on his face. Dana almost breathed a sigh of relief when the bulky jackass moved away quickly, glaring at Harry for disturbing his game.
Harry blinked. "You have a girlfriend, Dudders?"
Dana's jaw visibly dropped.
One of the voices sounded sardonically amused. "You were right, Barton. Dana's a little too convincing."
"That, and Harry's a little obtuse. Give him a minute. He'll recognize dear Dana after he really looks at her."
'Dudders' sounded angry and had a look on his face that promised pain as he said bitingly, "Like I've ever seen you with a girl, Potter."
"At least I know he's not cheating on me."
"Draco!"
"What? Yes, I realize that I'm too sexy to be cheated on. There's always a chance he'll finally see that being my boyfriend will expose him to entirely too much sarcasm that jars with his silly Gryffindor ideals."
Dana blinked. "Sibling rivalry?" She was supposed to be ignorant of the family dynamics, after all.
The cousins looked absolutely disgusted by the suggestion.
"We're not siblings. I can't stand the freak," Dursley spat, glaring at Harry.
"Freak? Freak?" One of the voices shrieked, almost causing Dana to visibly wince.
"As if a spoiled, overbearing oinker like you is such a pleasure to be around," Harry replied with the same amount of loathing.
"That's my Harry!"
"Spoiled and overbearing?" The voice chuckled. "Sounds a bit like someone we know..."
"I am nothing like that whale of a muggle!"
"Really? Then how did you know who Barton was talking about?"
"Wufei..." A voice chided.
"I hate all of you," the voice responded flatly.
"Hn."
Harry was staring at her. Many expressions crossed his face, starting with suspicion and a myriad of other emotions that came with it; after the moment passed and recognition hit, Harry first appeared shocked, which quickly turned into hysteria.
"Oh... my... God," Harry choked.
"Bingo!" a voice crowed. "We have recognition!"
And then Harry doubled over in laughter.
Let's get one thing straight.
Duo Maxwell did not look like a girl. He was perfectly masculine in every way; so what if his face was a little soft on the eyes compared to Heero, Trowa, and Wufei? So what if he had a braid that was nearly three meters long? Who cared if his slender figure could possibly resemble that of a woman's? He was manly in every way, and damn anyone who had anything to say to the contrary.
Therefore, he was completely offended that it took Harry Potter almost two full minutes to realize that the girl standing before him wasn't a girl at all. He had been even more offended that the muscle-headed loser that answered the door had considered him drool-worthy enough to stare at his ass, but Harry's prolonged reaction was icing on the cake of humiliation.
Damn that Draco Black. Damn him to hell for being so freaking ruthless in dealing with someone who hurt his pride. And damn him again for forcing Duo into a dress, makeup, and letting his hair loose without a braid. Damn the boy for a third time for making Duo wear the fucking open-toed high-heels that were causing his feet to throb in pain. He didn't know how women put up with such nonsense.
"It accentuates a lady's derriere," Draco had replied breezily as he rummaged through his mother's wardrobe in search of a nice lilac top that would match the floral print of the skirt Duo was to be wearing for the evening. "Now stop complaining and put on your stockings already!"
And while he was on this mental tangent, damn Wufei for taking pictures of the whole transformation process. "For prosperity," the Chinese youth had remarked with a barely concealed smirk, snapping away with his camera as Trowa quietly insisted that Duo remain still while the quiet Slytherin applied rogue to Duo's cheeks.
When attempting to find someone to do Duo's makeup for the occasion, Draco had originally gone to Quatre, theorizing that anyone with so many sisters would know a thing or two about makeup in general. They were all surprised when Quatre claimed that he possessed no such talent and volunteered Trowa for the job; apparently putting on clown makeup was only a bit more different than the technique women used to paint their faces. Duo was especially surprised that Quatre went as far as to volunteer Trowa's help in the first place; the move had almost listed Quatre as a traitor in Duo's book. However, in retrospect, Duo miserably realized that he deserved whatever he was getting, and Quatre was just trying to be fair.
That didn't mean he had to like it, however.
'Dana' shook his head, feigning confusion. Instead, however, he was somewhat pleased that Harry was enjoying Draco's birthday 'entertainment,' as it were, even if the green-eyed Gryffindor's amusement was because of the situation Duo managed to land himself in this time. As it stood, Duo was never going to doubt Draco's ability in anything ever again unless he had solid proof to the contrary.
"Is he okay?" Duo asked worriedly, eyeing Harry as if he'd never seen the boy before in his life.
"He won't be by the time I'm done with him," Dudley Dursley muttered threatening, appearing as if he was just one step closer to raising a fist to Harry. Duo couldn't smother his concerned frown as he contemplated the tubby but muscular muggle cousin of Harry Potter.
Duo was a great judge of character. It came with the territory, really; on the streets of L2, a street rat like him had to be able to gage the difference between genuine concern and sugar-coated lies very quickly. One mistake in judgement had dire consequences, not only for the individual, but for the pack as a whole. Dudley was exactly the kind of person that made Duo's internal alarms shriek. Duo had been mentally set at DEF-CON 2 since the moment he'd entered the home. The rotund teenager attempted to soothe "Dana Kinsley" with kind smiles and words, but Duo knew full well that under that pleasant veneer lay something far more vicious.
"Sorry," Harry wheezed, finally recovering enough sense to play along. "Just... thought of something..."
"Did it hurt?" Duo asked sweetly. Just because he enjoyed making Harry laugh didn't mean he enjoyed the humiliation that came with it, and he was going to make sure that Harry knew it.
"It certainly did," Harry gasped, still laughing weakly. "Oh, my sides..."
Bastard.
"Way to go, Harry." The voice sounded impressed.
"Potter certainly won that round over Dana."
Duo gritted his teeth. He wished the others would stop referring to him as one of the female persuasion; unfortunately, it was one of the conditions of the bet.
"Shouldn't you be doing chores or something?" Dursley demanded rudely, giving his cousin the evil eye. Duo almost scoffed at Dursley's effort to look menacing. His glare didn't hold a candle to expressions he often saw on Wufei and Heero's faces.
"I'm finished, Dudders," Harry replied with a smirk. "Besides, I think I'll stick around to protect the poor girl's virtue. It's a moral imperative."
"Hn," Heero grunted, sounding oddly pleased that Harry was present to help fend off Dursley's unwanted molestation.
Thanks ever so. "How sweet. You think you need to protect me," Duo murmured in his husky feminine falsetto. "Before you go protecting my virtue, I think introductions are in order. I'm Dana Kinsley."
Harry bowed sweepingly. "Harry Potter. Pleased to meet you."
"Likewise, I'm sure," Duo said demurely.
"Spirits, will you look at how they're playing that muggle sap? Priceless," Draco crowed, chuckling wickedly.
"Quite," Wufei murmur, sounding equally amused.
For that matter, Duo spared a glance toward the seething wannabe Lothario. The bulky boy looked none-too-pleased with how well his cousin and the girl he'd been flirting with were hitting it off. In fact, judging by the sudden glint of malice in youngest Dursley's watery blue eyes, the idiot was attempting to devise a plan to rectify the situation.
Whatever plot his pea-brain could develop was abruptly halted by the front door opening, admitting a strikingly thin woman with a neck that was too long and a face that vaguely resembled a horse's. The fat man with the bushy mustache that came in after her looked equally comparable to an animal, but he was more like a walrus instead of a horse.
The whale, the walrus, and the horse. All the makings of a really bad joke.
Apparently, he wasn't the only one who made this observation. "Harry's related to people with close ties to the animal kingdom?"
Trowa immediately burst out laughing at Draco's bland question.
"There he goes again," Wufei said wearily.
The walrus frowned at the teenagers clogging his hallway. Before the man could demand the identity of the strange girl, Dudley jumped at the opportunity to explain.
"Dad, this is Dana Kinsley. She's staying until she can contact her friend." The youngest Dursley didn't phrase this as a request; instead, it sounded very much like a fact, as if 'Dana' was staying no matter what Vernon and Petunia Dursley had to say about it.
"Presumptuous git, isn't he?" Draco muttered. "If I had used that tone with Lucius, he would have maimed me."
"Seems to be working for him," Wufei said, sounding disgusted. "What kind of parents are they to allow a child to boss them around? Incompetent fools..."
The horse seemed to catch on to what the whale was implying because she suddenly smiled proudly. "Of course your girlfriend can stay, Duddykins," she said, her voice sickeningly sweet. All Duo could think was, ... Duddykins?
"You must stay for dinner, dear," she prattled on, hanging her stylishly gaudy raincoat on the coat rack. "Do you like roast?"
Duo forced a smile; he didn't really want to stay for dinner. In fact, he was very ready to leave and remove the uncomfortable makeup and rip off the itchy stockings. However...
"Stay! Stay! I want you to bait the muggles!"
"Draco!" Quatre admonished, sounding oddly sharp.
"What? Look, you people haven't let me bait muggles for ages. At least let me do it through Dana!"
"This is supposed to be Harry's gift," Trowa pointed out.
"So? This is still my wager, and I say Dana hasn't fulfilled her side of the wager yet."
"Go ahead and stay, Duo."
"Heero?" Quatre inquired, sounding surprised.
"I love roast," Duo gushed. "I'll stay if it'll be no trouble to you and your family, ma'am," Duo added, smiling sweetly and doing a small curtsey. "Thank you for inviting me to dinner." What the hell, Heero?...
"Harry's description of his relatives has concerned me for some time now," Heero said calmly. "If my suspicions prove true, I believe it would be imperative to remove him from the Dursleys' custody."
"But what about Dumbledore?" Wufei asked.
"Damn Dumbledore," Draco replied snidely. "I don't like what Heero's implying, and even if he tends to be a little paranoid, I want to see if it's true or not."
"What a polite girl," Petunia Dursley beamed.
"That's my boy, Dudders," the walrus boasted, clapping his son on the back, a picture of masculine pride. The pride immediately seemed to fall from Vernon Dursley's face as his attention turned to Harry.
"Well, boy?" he boomed gruffly.
"I'm done weeding the garden," Harry said stiffly, a spark of rebellion shining in his angry green eyes as he lifted his chin to his uncle.
Duo frowned. Perhaps he was looking too deeply into things, but the atmosphere suddenly turned chilly as soon as the walrus man addressed his nephew.
Heero's suspicion couldn't be true... Could it?
Petunia surprised Duo by suddenly turning vicious, her face a shadow of the doting mother she once was. "Then go upstairs and wash up, you useless little beggar! I'll not have you bringing even more filth into this house."
Harry looked wearily at Duo before turning abruptly at stomping up the stairs, presumably to wash up. Duo was frozen in his place, his eyes widening incredulously.
Once Harry was out of sight, Petunia immediately adopted her role as the doting mother once again, urging her son and 'Dana' into the living room while she and Vernon made use of the kitchen to finish the final preparations for dinner. After that, she and her walrus husband disappeared into the kitchen.
For a moment, there was silence.
"Those bastards," Draco whispered, sounding just as shell-shocked as Duo felt.
Duo narrowed his eyes, his hands tightening into trembling fists at his side. Those bastards... are going to pay.
The Dursleys were going to rue the day they ever stumbled across Duo Maxwell.
TBC...
(1) Damn, don't you just fucking hate my characterization of Dudley Dursley? I kind of wanted Duo to accidently shoot him and rid the HP universe of his presence entirely. Unfortunately, I kind of wanted to leave the murder of annoying people out of this mostly lighthearted fic. I contented myself with having Dudley unknowingly lust over a boy. :snickers wickedly: (Someday, I will kill Dudley Dursley off in a fic for the sheer joy of it. Someday.) He kind of reminds me of what my grandma always says. "Stupidity kills... but not enough to really help."
God, I love my grandma.
(2) As an afterthought, I spent a total of three hours trolling around in the inner psyche of Dudley Dursley. Will wash, and wash, but will never feel clean again. :shudders:
(3) And then I tried to get him laid! Oh, GOD... :vomits:
And again, thanks to all my lovely readers! Even more thanks to my even lovelier reviewers, who've taken precious seconds of their time to leave me such kind words of encouragement! YOU GUYS ROCK!
I shall then leave you with this meager warning... ANGST AHOY! I'm so sorry... :runs away:
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