Notes: The arc begins between one and two years after Endless Waltz. Heero POV in this story.
Life With Heero Arc Part 79
Nan Demo Nai
'Damn J and damn my training. Why the hell can't I get past that whole damn control issue?' Heero thought angrily. He watched the basketball game morosely. He'd hoped that he could put all of his frustration aside and just enjoy spending the evening with his best friend but he was finding that more difficult than he'd expected. He was just so disgusted with his own lack of control over the damn control conditioning...
The irony of the situation was definitely not amusing.
"Hey, lighten up buddy." Duo's elbow nudged Heero's ribs, drawing him out of his thoughts. "No pressure, remember? Just a guys' night out. Relax. Enjoy!"
Heero forced himself to give Duo a small, rueful half-smile. "Gomen, Duo," he apologized. They'd both been looking forward to the game. To just spending time together as best friends. He shouldn't spoil it by dwelling on the problems they were having with other aspects of their relationship.
Specifically, the problems that he was having with his deeply-ingrained control training. The emotional and physical response that went along with trying to take their physical relationship just one small step further set off the conditioning every damn time.
Duo had been incredibly patient and understanding about it but Heero couldn't help wondering how much longer Duo could continue to be. He was so angry with his own inability to get past this... And he felt so damn guilty every time that he lost the battle against the training; it made him feel like a damn tease.
He might not feel quite so badly about it if Duo would at least let Heero give him his release - but Duo wouldn't. He insisted that he wouldn't use Heero like that; that it wouldn't be right. It was mutual or not at all as far as Duo was concerned.
Heero could understand Duo's point of view but he still wished that Duo would change his mind. He hated the fact that they both kept ending up disappointed. And the situation wasn't getting any better. If anything, it was getting worse. The more frustrated and angry at himself he got, the sooner the control training ended up kicking in.
He just hoped that Duo's idea - backing off on the making out for a while then just gradually increasing it to the verge of having the conditioning kick in - might actually work. He'd thought that he could just force his way through it but that had definitely not worked.
It didn't help matters any that he was still worrying over the Tanaka bid. They had known all along that it could be up to a month before the bid results were announced but the wait was driving him crazy. He'd thought that he wouldn't have a problem waiting to find out whether Take Two had won the bid or not but he really wanted to find out if he'd succeeded in convincing Tanaka that they were the best choice for the job. 'I need to have something turn out right...' he thought dejectedly.
Heero sighed and forced his attention back to the game. He didn't want to ruin what had been supposed to be a fun, relaxing night out for the two of them.
An elbow nudged his ribs again. "Hey, Heero, you okay?" Duo asked. "You kinda spaced out on me there, pal."
"Gomen nasai, Duo," Heero said for what seemed like the hundredth time.
"Now see, that's what I was askin' about when you spaced out a few minutes ago, buddy. You keep sliding into Japanese lately. How come?"
"I do?" Heero gave Duo a startled look. He hadn't realized that he'd been doing that.
"Yeah, ever since you did that presentation for Tanaka."
"Gomen - I mean, sorry. I didn't realize..." He'd intended to ask Duo whether he would mind speaking Japanese sometimes but - well... They'd gotten caught up in exploring new areas of their relationship and he'd just sort of - let it slide. It hadn't seemed important enough to be worth bothering Duo with. Especially not when he was already making things difficult in their relationship.
"Hey, don't apologize," Duo interrupted. "I really don't mind Heero. If you don't mind putting up with my lousy accent, it's fine by me if you want to speak Japanese sometimes instead of English. I just wondered whether there was a particular reason for it, that's all."
Heero shook his head slightly. "Not really. I just - enjoyed speaking it while we were getting ready for the bid presentation. I meant to ask you whether you'd mind if we kept speaking it sometimes but with everything else that's been going on, I just - let it go. It didn't seem very important."
Duo grinned and shrugged, "Why would I mind? You're the one who's going to have his ears abused by my awful accent." He sobered and added, "Heero, don't just let things like that slide, okay? If it's important enough for you to want it, it's important enough to bring up no matter what else may be going on. Got it?"
Heero nodded, a hint of a real smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He wished abruptly that they weren't in such a very public place; a best-friends-type hug would be a far more fitting way to express his appreciation for Duo's words. They were just the reminder he'd needed that their relationship had far more to it than merely the physical aspect that was currently such a problematic issue. "Got it," he agreed, letting the appreciative smile spread across his face for a moment.
"Good," Duo said with an emphatic nod.
"Arigato, Duo," Heero added as he turned his attention back to the game.
He only realized that he'd slid into Japanese again when Duo snickered and replied, "Nan demo nai, Heero. Nan demo nai."
TBC...
"Nan demo nai" means "It's nothing".
Back to Calic0cat's Fanfictions Page