Author: Alana Winters
Warnings: This fic will contain some shounen-ai and Relena x Heero lovers beware, AU, intense OOC!!
Pairings: 2x1
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing never has, does not, and never will (pouts and sniffles) belong to me. Neither does the song "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You". They belong to their respective owners, power hungry mega corporations that could swallow me whole and celebrity singers that I will never ever meet. So suing me will create naught but headaches and tie up the already impossibly slow legal system.
And so now, on to the song fic!
*...* denotes thoughts or internal confrontations
How Am I Supposed To Live Without You
I COULD HARDLY BELIEVE IT
WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS TODAY
I HAD TO COME AND GET IT STRAIGHT FROM YOU
Relena Darlian Peacecraft stared incredulously at the neatly typed request form that lay askew on her desktop. Her blue eyes were wide with surprise and shock, even as they read and re - read over the boldly printed words.
Sitting on her desk was a requisition form stating the termination of employment for one Heero Yuy.
*He's leaving,* her mind whimpered even as she tried to reject the undeniable proof staring at her in the face.
*I won't let him, not after finally winning so much! He can't... leave me!* came the determined thought, her normally cheerful face firmed into a hard, unyielding mask.
Relena abruptly stood up from her desk, snatched up her purse and the requisition form, and headed out her office doors. Without stopping in her tracks, she threw out a brief and hasty explanation to her secretary as she passed the startled woman.
"I'm leaving for the day, hold all calls until tomorrow!" Then the proclaimed Queen of the World was gone.
YOU SAID YOU WERE LEAVING
SOMEONE SWEPT YOUR HEART AWAY
FROM THE LOOK UPON YOUR FACE I'D SAY IT'S TRUE
Relena walked up the short flight of stairs until she was face to face with a worn looking door. The simple placard on the door said:
APARTMENT # 509
HEERO YUY
Relena swallowed hard, blinked her eyes, and gathered her tentative courage. Raising her free hand, she knocked briefly but candidly, her other nervously clutching a well creased official looking paper. She waited until the door opened and a familiar and beloved visage appeared before her.
Startled cobalt blue eyes glanced down at her before happiness and pleasure returned to their mysterious depths. The door opened more widely as the young man in front of the diplomat said, "Relena! What a surprise to see you. Won't you come in?"
Relena nodded her head and said, "Hai. Arigato, Heero."
Relena stepped into the apartment and the sight that greeted her nearly stopped her dead in her tracks. Brown packing boxes nearly littered every single available floor space in the tiny apartment. Most of the larger pieces of furniture had already been disassembled and packed away to be moved out. It was clear that Relena had interrupted Heero from completing his arduous task, the few remaining open boxes almost nearly full.
As Relena moved further into the apartment, her three inch heels clicked on the marble entryway and echoed in the nearly empty apartment. The lingering atmosphere was tainted with the unpleasant (for her) tinge of farewell and finality.
Despair was so close to overwhelming her senses that she almost missed Heero as he said, "So, to what do I owe this visit, Relena?"
Heero's sentence brought Relena's attention back to the crumpled paper in her hand that she then tossed at him. Heero deftly caught the paper before gravity could claim it. He glanced down at it in surprise before slight humor crossed his face and he said a quiet, "Oh."
Anger suddenly welled up in Relena at Heero's lack of concern for his resignation.
"Oh, is right!" she said scathingly. "What is the meaning of this, Heero?"
Heero turned his dark blue eyes up to search Relena's as he shrugged his slim shoulders. "I would think it's pretty obvious, Relena. I'm leaving."
Relena's world shattered as Heero confirmed the printed words. It was different when it came from his mouth. It was more final and her struggles to maintain her already shaky composure faltered and slipped a notch. Tears started to sparkle at the corners of her eyes, which she bravely attempted to ignore, daring them to disgrace her and slip down her cheeks.
Relena's thoughts whirled around, yelling out her unvoiced questions. *Why are you leaving?! Why are you leaving ME?! After all we've been through??? After all that I have done to get you to open up to me?! Why now?!!*
But the golden haired girl didn't voice any of her thoughts, she only whispered, "Why?"
Heero turned to look out the large, floor length window that adorned one wall of his small living room, staring out at the bright, autumn afternoon. His gaze turned wistful and his profile relaxed, before he turned back to his employer and friend.
Relena was startled when she saw the wistful and happy look on his face as he said the words she most dreaded to hear.
Heero said softly, "I've met someone. And I'm in love."
SO TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT
TELL ME ABOUT THE PLANS YOU'RE MAKING
OH, TELL ME ONE THING MORE BEFORE I GO
Relena's eyes widened in shock and surprise as a lance of pain speared her heart. Outwardly, she showed no reaction to the quiet statement, the look on Heero's face, that oh so beloved exterior, showing the conviction that lacked in the calm voice.
Instead, she gritted her teeth, her hands unconsciously curling into tight little balls of contained fury. "Who is it?" she bit out.
Heero was oblivious to her anger, his eyes turning a bit glassy as he thought about the one who had managed something the Queen of the World had not been able to do, despite all of her political power and wealth. His hand was at his neck, toying with something, as he thought.
He finally said, "It's someone that I met months ago. Someone I never would have fallen in love with... before, but now I can confidently return the affections I have been given."
Relena could feel her anger growing, seething beyond her control. A name. That's all she wanted. She just wanted one name that she could unleash all of her fury and wrath upon. Her fingers practically itched to rip and tear out her rival's hair. To engage in a fierce catfight with the woman who held HER Heero's heart. However, Heero's next words took a pin and deflated her cloud of rage.
Heero turned dreamy eyes to Relena and said, "And I never would have met him if it hadn't been for you, Relena. Arigato."
It was then that Relena could see the object that Heero had been fondling in his hand. It was a tiny silver cross.
Sudden intuition flooded the aristocrat's mind.
TELL ME HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU
NOW THAT I'VE BEEN LOVING YOU SO LONG
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU
AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY ON
WHEN ALL THAT I'VE BEEN LIVING FOR IS GONE
Knowledge flooded Relena's mind, even as barriers of resistance and denial crumbled underneath the onslaught. She quickly bowed her head as one tiny tear managed to escape her tight custody and it slipped down her cheek to fall unheeded to the carpet below.
Thoughts and memories of the past few years flew through her mind in a fair collage of images.
The first time she had met Heero he had been a cold and ruthless young assassin, trained from near childhood to mindlessly complete a task given to him without concern for what or who got in the way. He had been assigned by his... agent, Dr. J, to protect the newly crowed Queen of the World, one Relena Peacecraft. Her life having been recently compromised, it was determined that only the best could thwart the intentions of the militant group seeking a new and more glorious war.
And Heero was the best.
Working closely for the past few years had enabled Relena to get to know the young soldier better, to be able to see the frightened but tired young man behind the facade of coldness. Her heart had ached at Heero's lost childhood. An ache that had quickly grew into a tenacious determination to open the young man's emotions and allow them to free his mind... his soul... and hopefully his heart.
Yes, his heart.
For Relena, the most powerful woman on Earth and Space, a woman who could have almost anything or everything her heart had ever desired, wanted the one thing she absolutely could not have or control.
She had wanted Heero's heart, his mind, his body, and his soul.
She had wanted him to be hers and she wanted to be his.
Over the years she had managed to bring forth the repressed side of Heero, help him to acknowledge the emotions that had not been destroyed by Dr. J's training. She had managed to give Heero back his humanity, and she had been able to delude herself into thinking that Heero was becoming hers.
Obviously she had been wrong.
She knew that Heero had started to care for her as one of his closest friends, even if in the beginning she had been his only friend. But he had never ever thought of her as something closer, more intimate, much to her chagrin. Not that that had derailed her intentions or goal.
But then, a few months ago, there had been that embassy ball between the Earth and the leaders of the colonies. She had met with the elected colony leaders, those that were to become her cabinet members underneath the newly signed peace treaty between terra and space.
Among the leaders had been a particularly likable fellow who went by the name of Duo Maxwell.
Relena had at first been taken aback by the appearance of the diplomat, his long swinging braid and wide violet eyes were more suited for an actor or model's role rather than a peace spouting diplomat. And the man was clad in a black outfit that best fitted a priest. And he always had that small silver cross firmly clasped around his slim neck.
Even after her first reservations, Duo had wormed his way past Relena's reservations and earned her respect. She liked him. She liked him for his cheerfulness and for his optimistic view on the world. She liked him so much that she had lowered her guard and had started considering him one of her friends. She had believed that he had kept coming back around to the royal palace in the Sank country as a friend, to see her and the other diplomats and to discuss the doctrines of peace with her.
Obviously she had been very wrong.
TOO PROUD FOR CRYING
DIDN'T COME HERE TO BREAK DOWN
IT'S JUST A DREAM OF MINE IS COMING TO AN END
Relena wanted to rant and rave. She was so tired of denying her emotions for her companion, but she also didn't want to drive him away now, to make herself an outcast because of his new found love.
Heero didn't even notice as she fell quiet, his mind and voice now free to discuss the precious secret he had kept from everyone, even his best friend. Although, he privately suspected some of the visiting colony dignitaries had suspected, if the teasing glint in the L4 ambassador's light blue eyes or the slight smirk on L3's lips had been any indication. Yet they had both kept their suspicions to themselves, remaining satisfied with a few winks and other subtle innuendoes here and there.
Relena listened to Heero's diatribe quietly, her mind focused only listlessly on his words, giving him a nod of affirmation every now and then, making the motions as though she were listening with her full attention. Her thoughts were focused on the crumbling walls of her dreams that were even now crashing down with his every word.
*Oh Heero. Don't you understand what you're doing to me?* she thought despairingly.
But, no matter the depths of her misery and self pity, she didn't let her sadness show to her friend. She wasn't about to intrude on his new relationship, even if she was sacrificing her own happiness. She loved the dark haired man too much.
If it had been another reason that Heero was leaving her, one that she felt she could fight and win, she might try harder. But even the Queen of the World knew that in the face of true love, she was powerless. And she had enough pride and wisdom to admit that to herself.
As she realized that Heero had fallen silent and was waiting for her to respond, she shook herself out of her despair and said quietly, "So, you're moving to L2 then?"
Heero nodded happily. "Duo's asked me to move in with him."
Relena smiled sadly and said, "Are you happy, Heero?"
Heero gave another smile and said, "Yes. He's filled the missing part of me that I didn't know existed until I met him. Don't get me wrong, Relena. You have helped me in so many ways that I can never repay you, but he's... he's..."
Heero waved his arms around helplessly, searching for the elusive words.
Relena nodded again and said, "He's given you your heart."
Heero blinked once, and then twice, before he nodded in quiet assent.
Relena felt the last barrier in her heart break and she said softly, "Aa. Then go to him, Heero. And be happy. Do you have enough time for one last dinner with an old friend?"
Heero's face fell then and he looked sad. "I'm sorry, Relena, but my shuttle leaves tonight. I have to finish packing and then off I go."
"Then I'm glad I got to say goodbye to you now. Will you let me give you a ride to the shuttle pad?"
Heero nodded once and Relena gave him a genuine smile.
AND HOW CAN I BLAME YOU
WHEN I BUILT MY WORLD AROUND
HOPING ONE DAY WE'D BE SO MUCH MORE THAN FRIENDS
NOW I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE PRICE I'M GOING TO PAY FOR DREAMING
EVEN NOW IT'S MORE THAN I CAN TAKE
Relena sat with Heero in the backseat of her pink limo, allowing Pargan to drive them towards the shuttle port, by way of the scenic route, albeit the darkness outside denied them any glances of the passing landscape. She and Heero were laughing and talking about the good times that had passed between them, mourning the closeness that was going to disappear with the gulf of distance that Heero's move was placing between them.
Relena didn't begrudge Heero's happiness, she knew he would find it eventually. But she didn't want to dwell on the sadness now, she only wanted to embrace the laughter and hold the memories close to heart. She wanted things that could warm her soul for the rest of eternity.
Relena's eyes swept over Heero's beloved features, memorizing them to store the images into the archives of her mind. She wanted to be able to dredge up his memory, to have something of him that no one could take from her, no matter who it was.
A petty thought crossed her mind, the tiny part of her that wanted to beseech and implore Heero to stay with her.
*I saw him first, Duo Maxwell! I helped him to open his heart, not you!!*
As quickly as that thought came, Relena filed it away for later deletion. This was not a case of first come first served over a once in a lifetime inanimate object. This was over a living, breathing, thinking human being. One who was capable of making choices and acting upon them.
Even as Queen of the World, she did not have the power to change the mind or choices of another human being. She didn't have the sanction from God or from Heero to claim him as her own, to mark him as an animal might mark its territory.
That right was not meant for her.
She knew that her love for Heero might fade away in time, might eventually diminish in its intensity the longer she was out of his immediate vicinity. No matter how much she denied the death of her love, she no longer had the ability to discern between love or just plain infatuation. After all, Heero had been the first man... no the first person to actually see Relena Peacecraft as something more than a diplomat and aristocrat. He had eventually been able to see her as another human, and later a friend.
Even though her heart still revolved around the dark haired guardian, she knew that someday she would probably find someone else to love, someone who would love her back and give her something precious to be a part of.
Something like what Heero and Duo obviously shared.
Looking back, she now understood the brief and what she had considered strange looks that passed between the two men when they thought no one had been looking. Strange, she had once believed when she was younger, that love between two people of the same sex was something that was to be insulted, that it was something vile and unnatural. But now she could see that love, true love, transcended all preconceived notions of right or wrong. It didn't matter the form, all that mattered was that the emotion was given and received freely on both sides. That both participants were willing to give up that special part of themselves to another's care.
Relena actually felt a lightening of her soul, the lifting of some unknown burden. Perhaps now the healing of her heart could begin.
TELL ME HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU
NOW THAT I'VE BEEN LOVING YOU SO LONG
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU
AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY ON
WHEN ALL THAT I'VE BEEN LIVING FOR IS GONE
Relena stood at the viewing section on the shuttle pad, staring up into the quiet night sky, into the heavens beyond. Among the twinkling stars of the sky was the colony known as L2, home to one Duo Maxwell. And heading towards the star, holding a happy and eager Heero Yuy, was a tiny shuttle, being propelled physically by a combination of human technology and chemicals, but spiritually by love. Both from an inside occupant and from an outside observer, standing alone on the ground of Earth.
*Fly swiftly, Heero. Fly swiftly to your loved one and hold him tightly. Never let him go.*
Relena watched until the speck that was Heero's shuttle flew completely out of visible sight, before turning to glance at the envelope in her hand. Heero had pushed it into her hand, his eyes nervous, just before he had boarded the shuttle craft.
He had asked her to read it after his shuttle lifted off, and to respond to it as she saw fit. She had been startled by his request, but she had given her agreement and her promise. Right before he had departed through the gate, Heero had given her a quick hug and a light kiss on her temple, as one might a child.
A bit miffed at this, although she would never admit it, she almost missed his next statement.
"No matter what you decide, Relena, I'll always be your friend."
Stunned into silence by his words, she could only watch stiffly as his familiar figure disappeared through the gate, leaving her and her world for his destiny in the heavens.
Now, with his body following where his heart and soul already were, she was free to answer his request.
With that, she tore open the letter.
NOW I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE PRICE I'M GOING TO PAY FOR DREAMING
NOW THAT YOUR DREAM HAS COME TRUE
With blurred eyes, Relena read Heero's letter.
Dear Relena,I wanted to take this opportunity to sincerely thank you again for all you have done for me. You have allowed me to cut the bonds which held me to Dr. J's horrendous teachings, allowed my emotions and soul to fly free. You have given me back my soul and my chance for happiness with Duo. Words can never express the gratitude that's in my heart.
I know that while I have never acted more than a friend to you and vice versa, I am, and have always been, aware of your... affections for me. I know it must have been difficult for one such as you to keep your emotions hidden, nevermind deny them for the sake of our friendship. Even as you were teaching me the values of loyalty and friendship, you were suffering in your unrequited love.
My revelation that I am going off to join Duo must come as a great shock to you, although I am sure you will never let me know it is so. You are a much stronger person than most give you credit for. Which brings me to another subject.
You are an incredibly strong woman, both in your convictions of absolute pacifism and in your convictions of humanity. Never lose sight of what makes you, you. I hope to whatever God is out there that my confession will not destroy the heart that you possess, but rather strengthen it. There is someone out there for you, Relena. Someone much closer than you think. Now that I am out of the way, perhaps you will be able to find him.
I know that you might be feeling dismay, or even betrayal now. I hope not and that you can be truly happy for me and Duo. I also hope that we can continue our friendship, no matter the distance between us now. No matter what you choose, you shall always have my friendship and thanks for what you have done for me and what you continue to do for us all.
Arigato, my friend,
Heero
TELL ME HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU
NOW THAT I'VE BEEN LOVING YOU SO LONG
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU
AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY ON
WHEN ALL THAT I'VE BEEN LIVING FOR IS GONE
Twin tears ran down Relena's cheeks, falling onto the handwritten note and barely marring the signature at the bottom of the page. Even as embarrassment flooded her cheeks, she felt a lifting on her soul.
*Even if I don't have Heero's love, I have his friendship. And that's enough for me.*
Relena closed her eyes, allowing her sorrow and heartache to melt away. She knew that no matter what happened between the two of them, Heero would always welcome her with open arms in the name of friendship. It was something that was missing from the rest of her life, and the assurance that he would always offer it was like a welcoming ray of sunshine to a world that suffers through the harsh months of winter's white death.
*I realize now that I held onto my love for you for so long because I was afraid to let it go. I was afraid of the unknown and of loneliness. But I'm finally free, Heero. And I can let you go. Because I know you won't ever let me fall.*
With a much lighter heart, Relena turned away from the twinkling night sky and headed back to her limo that would take her back to her world. Now that she finally understood herself, she could turn her attention back to those around her. She was content for the first time in long while.
With the knowledge that Heero would never withdraw his support, and the fact that others supported her in her work, she could find the strength to go on.
And perhaps, this time, she would find her heart's true desire.
OWARI
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