*....* indicates internal thought
~~~~ used to break scenes
Gundam Forest Book 2: Duo's Diary - Entry 1
Okay, let me say first off that I'm starting this journal under protest.
Wait a minute, that's not exactly right. Maybe I should start over.
I'm starting this journal under the "advice" of a friend of mine, that golden haired devil, Quatre.
Oi, but I'm getting ahead of myself. For this to make sense, contingent upon whether or not I actually read this after I finish it, I better give some background info, huh?
Well, to quote my life, "Ninmu kanryou."
Yes, he's my life, not just my love. Yes, I will be a sap and I'm not afraid to admit it. (Especially since I'm not letting anyone else read this thing.) Heero is my life, the very breath within my body. He is my heart, that which keeps me alive. I will do anything and everything for him and I will never let anything harm him again. I swear to always love him, not that that is going to be hard or anything, and I will never doubt him again. He is my love, my light, and my life.
And I have one year to convince him that I am his.
You see, a year ago, almost to the day, my faith in him and our relationship was questioned.
It was questioned by me.
A year ago I learned that Heero was immortal. That he basically cannot die. Such a thing was a shock, an unwanted revelation. All of my life I have believed that life is not meant to be eternal. Where life dwells, death soon follows to cleanse and renew. That is the way of things. That is the universal balance.
To be faced with something that so horribly breaks all rules and foundations... well, let's just say that I didn't take it too well.
In fact, I took it the worst way possible.
Instead of reaching out to try and understand this with Heero, I pushed him away. I tried to separate us until I could rationalize the chaos that was my heart and mind. And I succeeded, though the results have been worse than any scenario imaginable.
What ensued next was a part of my life I shall forever consider to be a dark period. Not wanting to face my obvious disgust and clearly upset with my rejection of our relationship and of him, Heero packed up his meager belongings and fled into the night.
I'm not going to go into gory details, for nothing in this world will ever be able to completely destroy these memories. But for a year my friends and I believed that Heero was dead. Presented with evidence that we neither had the heart nor the courage to examine, each of us separated to go our own ways. It's funny, but until I lost him, I never realized just how pivotal Heero is in each of our lives.
The war was over, peace having been hastily declared between OZ and the colonies. We had the prize we had all been fighting for, but we had lost our sense of being and ourselves instead. After we received word that the remains of his bike and a body had been found at the bottom of the cliffside, we assumed that Heero was gone. It wasn't until I had finally gotten past my grief and self-hatred that I realized if a hundred bullets poured into him hadn't stopped my lover, then no mere fall a few hundred feet could possibly do the job.
Obsessed now with my own convictions, I launched a search for him. I knew the job wouldn't be easy, Heero can definitely hide when he wanted to, and we hadn't parted on amiable terms. However, I was determined and enlisted all the help I could. Quatre was the only one of the remaining three that answered me back, and only so he could try and dissuade me from my 'desperate denials of reality'. I sincerely think of Quatre as a dear friend, but to be honest he truly pissed me off then.
Quatre, during the year of separation, had taken up the reigns of his father's corporation. Under his sincere and devoted ministrations, Winner Corporation grew by leaps and bounds. Quatre quickly attained a reputation for being a business hound, ruthless and driven. And although he was savage and fierce in the corporate boardroom, he maintained his wish to better the lives of those around him, by helping to cleanse and destroy the more unsavory remnants of war life. I sincerely believe Quatre was trying to atone for something he felt was his personal fault, though just what has remained a mystery, and in doing so, he has lost a part of himself. I only hope Wufei can save him from himself and help him to regain that sweet nobility that was such a large part of his kind soul.
Wufei isolated himself from the world at large, hiding in the remote forests of nature. Perhaps he figured he could shut the world out of his mind as long as he kept the world from his life. Whatever Heero had said in that final letter had really gotten through to him, perhaps building on already existing threads of self-doubt and angst. Despite my requests to the contrary, Wufei refused to leave the boundaries of his self-imposed exile. I should have realized that only Quatre or Trowa could accomplish that. And now he has the chance to start anew with at least one of his lovers. I can only hope he takes this chance. Fate is hardly kind twice.
Which brings me to Trowa. I do not know what Trowa did over that year we were all apart. I could find not a single hide nor hair of the great uni-banged one, which was unusual. Even Catherine, his sister, did not know where he was. I had checked the circus first, thinking that he might have retreated to his personal haven of anonymity behind a clown's mask, but he hadn't. But he obviously did something during his year of solitude, 'cause he left earlier, leaving only a note to say that he had to finish a promise before he could come back. I hope he won't be gone for another year.
But I'm getting off track.
So there I was, left all by my lonesome to find my misplaced lover. I searched and searched, utilizing all of my resources but to no avail. It was like Heero had vanished off of the face of the Earth and Colonies. There was simply no trace of him anywhere. I was sincerely about to give up and hoped he would find me, when I received help from a most unlikely source.
Hilde contacted me with information, saying that she had overheard some vaguely disturbing mutterings. She had found out from Quatre, though how I still don't know, that I was still searching for Heero and she thought that what she had found might be a clue. It was, turned out to be exactly what I was looking for, and I am eternally grateful to Hilde.
Now, I know I can be clueless and dense at times, ignoring facts directly in front of me, but this I couldn't miss. I knew Hilde had a crush on me from back in the days of the war, but I never loved her like that. She's more of a sister than anything to me. I think she finally realized that when I never gave up my search for Heero, even though all evidence pointed to the fact that he was dead. But he wasn't.
To make a long story short, Quatre rounded us all up for a reunion. I guess somebody finally got through to him to get us all back together. So we all met up and I presented them with my evidence. A distasteful auction from a brothel. That disgusting owner was going to sell Heero's flesh to the highest bidder and allow them to do anything to his body!!
I'm going to kill that ugly little weasel.
Not that it matters, since I rescued Heero from that cruel place, but it's the principle of the thing. Surely that's understandable.
Anyway, I rescued Heero and brought him home to me. And he's never going to leave again, not if I can help it.
I have a year to prove myself to him, to prove that the strength of our love is strong enough to last anything. To prove that I'm worthy of him.
My Heero has been hurt so badly, so horribly abused. It's awfully obvious, especially to me. I'm going to have to fight for every scrap of affection I manage to wheedle from him, at least until he has grown assured of my tenure in this relationship.
He shies away from human contact, from the barest of touches or caresses. They still invoke unpleasant memories in his mind, and I can understand that. Even though his face is as stoic as ever, rarely smiling, his eyes have this haunted look in them. I'm going to do my best to wipe that sadness from his eyes forever, to replace it with love and warmth.
And like I said, I got a year. Not a lot of time, but I can make it work. I must make it work. Failure is not an option in this case.
We're going away, for a small vacation. Just the two of us, to relearn who we are.
So, and here I take a deep breath, I'm going to wrap this up. Quatre is being kind enough to allow us the exclusive use of his personal shuttle and it's almost time to leave. Heero and I have to say goodbye to Quatre and Wufei, and then we'll be on our way.
Wish me luck.
Duo - end of entry 1
TBC...
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