Warning: Silliness, humor
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Note: This is an entry for Deb's 2006 contest.
How to Seduce a Man
Top Ten Tips to Seduce a Man
By Gabriel Lockhart
1. Work it - You know what I mean: I'm talking about you and your fear of skin. Show a little.
"You want me to choose some clothes that will make you show some skin?" Quatre stared incredulously at the boy who wore a green tank top and black spandex for his everyday clothes.
Heero looked down at his apparel and nodded in confirmation.
"Well," Quatre swallowed. "I hate to tell you this, but unless you are in a swimming pool, you can't show much more skin than you are showing now without getting arrested for illicit conduct."
2. Work out - Did I mention that Tip #1 is contingent upon the success of Tip #2? If you don't work out, you can't work it.
Heero glared at the second tip and decided to skip it. The first tip was already useless to him after all.
3. Shut up - Enough with the long stories already. First meetings call for shallow conversation, not your memoirs.
It was early in the morning when a loud gun shot ricochet from inside the two storey house where the ex-Gundam pilots lived. Trowa stepped out from the bedroom he shared with Quatre and saw Duo bouncing gleefully from the room the braided boy shared with Heero.
Trowa raised his eyebrows.
Duo rolled his eyes. "You've been a bad influence on Heero."
Trowa's eyebrows rose higher.
"Haven't you noticed that Heero's been very quiet these past few days? He's only interrupted my speech once every two hours." Duo glanced at the room he'd just come out of with an exasperated, but fond look. "It's a good thing I was able to rectify his problem."
".... The gun shot?"
Duo grinned. "That's the end of Heero's attempt to mimic you. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going down for a drink. All night chattering and nagging has made me thirsty."
Trowa watched his American friend go down the stairs before moving toward the room across from his. He stuck his head into the room and saw the room's other occupant glaring at his laptop screen and muttering something about a tip being vague in explaining whom it was actually intended for.
Trowa withdrew his head and went back into his room where Quatre was waiting for him. He decided it was better for him if he didn't know what had just happened.
4. Be mysterious - This is the 21st century version of playing hard to get. Girls in the 20th century took this too far -- never acting interested, never calling back... You know who you are. These days, hold back some information.
"Heero, we're ordering pizza for dinner," Duo said as he bounced into the living room where Heero was looking at something on his laptop. "Do you prefer beef or chicken toppings?"
Duo rolled his eyes. "That's not an answer. If you don't answer, I'll order a vegetarian one for you."
That got Heero to look away from his laptop screen. The Japanese boy opened his mouth but quickly closed it again without uttering a word and glanced at the screen. His face became determined. "Choose whatever you want."
Duo gave his friend a very evil grin. "As you wish."
Later, Wufei commented on Heero's very poor taste in choosing pizza, topped with pineapple, corn, green pepper, and cheddar cheese. The Chinese boy got a glare and heard Heero mutter something about a 'failed method'.
5. No scowling - My gorgeous friend is a scowler. Scowls at everyone in the place. When she asks, "Why can't I get a guy?" our friends tell her she intimidates men. She looks like a bitch. No one will tell her so I'm telling you.
In the bedroom, Heero muttered something about it had been three days and still no effect.
"What's not having effect?" Duo poked his head in.
Heero glared at his American friend.
"Gee, you've been glaring a lot these last few days. Something up your ass, buddy? Where are your cute scowls? I miss them."
Instead of starting to issue his usual death threat, Duo was surprised to see Heero bowing in defeat and mumbling something about trying the next tip.
6. Show you are smart - Dazzle him with your knowledge.
"...twenty one, thirty four, fifty five, eighty nine, one hundred forty four, two hundred thirty three, three hundred seventy seven...."
"Oh someone, please just kill me, " Wufei moaned.
"It's quite interesting, but we don't really need it, Heero, "Quatre said kindly.
"The good thing is," Trowa added maliciously, "it makes a good lullaby." The tall boy pointed at the slumped figure on the couch.
Duo Maxwell kept on snoring, oblivious.
Heero stopped reciting and scowled.
7. Be seen - Just get out there and let the world know you're available... without looking available.
"Heero?" Duo did a double take from the bedroom's window. "What are you doing there?"
Heero glared and refused to answer.
Duo scratched his head and shrugged. If Heero wanted to stand in front of the house's gate all day, it wasn't his problem. "Do I need to tell you that it is going to..."
There was the sound of thunder and suddenly it was raining heavily.
"... rain?" Duo said feebly.
Heero glared at the sky before stomping inside the house, wet and drenched to the very bottom of his soul.
8. Network - You may think your best friend's boyfriend is a waste of time, but don't count him out. No, I don't mean steal him -- talk to him.
Heero waited in the kitchen until Trowa came in to get some breakfast.
"......." Trowa raised his eyebrow in response.
"How did you seduce Quatre?"
Trowa's ears turned red.
"Tell me how you managed to kiss him and get him to bed."
The tallest Gundam pilot hightailed it back toward the safety of his bedroom. Quatre surely wouldn't mind going without his favorite honey-dipped-bread for one day.
There was a loud curse in Japanese from inside the kitchen and a mutter which sound like 'waste of time'.
9. Graduate from seventh grade - Hey, you're an adult. I don't care how many tequila shots you've had. You wouldn't write his name on your book covers, would you?
Heero stared at his laptop screen. He looked a bit guilty and reluctant as he disabled his customized screen saver which showed two bouncing words around the screen. The words, naturally, were 'Duo' and 'Maxwell'
10. If all else fails, ... make the move....
This was the perfect chance.
Heero took a deep breath and entered the bedroom he and Duo were sharing. The one with two single beds - unfortunately.
...- If you've followed the first nine tips, then you just may have the confidence to approach the guy yourself.....
Duo looked up from where he had been reading a magazine. "Hey, buddy. Looks like you have the house all to yourself this weekend. Wufei is working out of the city and Trowa and Quatre are staying at one of Quatre's sister's houses. I'm going to hmmph! umphhh hmmm? Hmmm...."
Heero made a note that kissing was an effective way to shut up his new boyfriend.
"What was that?" Duo asked when they parted for breath.
Heero glared his 'isn't it obvious, baka?' glare.
Duo smiled. "You like me, Heero?"
Duo smiled brightly and leant forward, eyes cloudy with pleasure, making Heero's heart beat faster in anticipation.
.... What's the worst that could happen?....
"Heero!! What are you doing?!!" A shrill voice successfully killed the moment. "I've asked Une to assign Wufei on a case far far away. I also asked one of Quatre's sisters to do me a favor and get him and Trowa away from the house. And you!" Relena pointed at Duo. "You're supposed to take Hilde out and crash at her place! What are you doing disturbing my weekend with my boyfriend?"
Duo raised an eyebrow and looked at Heero. "Her boyfriend?"
Heero growled and reached for his gun.
..... Wait; don't answer that.
Quatre stared at the television. "Trowa?"
"Is that our house?" Quatre pointed at the screen.
Trowa followed the finger. The screen was showing a reporter reporting in front of a house. The ruins of house, Trowa amended. Between the reporter and the house, Trowa could see a familiar looking girl in pink running helter-skelter, chased by another familiar looking boy in a green tank top and black spandex. A boy with braided hair was half heartedly trying to hold the other boy back.
Author's Note: The tips were taken from http://www.clickedin.com/articles/sept05/attract_man.php. I made some modifications on some of them but they are fairly close to the originals.
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