Confusion of the Heart Part 6

Duo walked away aimlessly from the safe house. His friends had left him to think and contemplate his feelings for a certain Japanese pilot and he quickly decided to get some fresh air to calm his mind.

The American pilot realized that he considered Heero more than a friend. But still he wasn't sure whether he could think of Heero as his lover. And moreover Heero never told or did anything to indicate he has feelings for him.

He had wondered why Heero had kept his disguise when he knew Duo would be angry with him. But then, Duo found the answer to that once he asked Wufei the meaning of the Japanese words in Heero's letter. And now the said words kept echoing inside him as he walked, feeling the cold wind against his face.

Aishiteru, Duo.............I love you, Duo..............

Heero loved him. Despite the fact that they are from the same gender. Despite all the harsh words thrown to his face. Despite how he had hit and beaten the Japanese boy. Heero loved him nevertheless.

Motto soba ni itai............. want to be with you a little longer............

That was why Heero continued wearing the disguise. As Hitoe, he could be with Duo, could touch and kiss him without fear of being rejected.

Duo never thought love could be so strong. It was love that made Heero willing to wear girl clothes so he could meet Duo. It was love that made Heero take care of his fever though he was hurt himself. And it was love that made Heero leave him, not wanting to hurt him.

As he walked, Duo felt his eyes sting and the road before him became blurry. He recalled the week he had been with Hitoe. Hitoe never demanded or asked anything from him. The girl had been happy just to have Duo with her and whatever Duo wanted, she would give him. Duo wanted her caress, she gave it. Duo wanted her kiss, she gave it. Duo wanted her love, she gave it. She gave it without asking for anything in return.

Duo knew he loved Hitoe. But...still .......did he love Heero?

A cry snapped Duo from his thought. He looked around and saw a little girl crying. His feet had unconsciously brought him to the park where he and Hitoe played a week ago. Duo looked at the girl and felt déjà vu as he watched someone squatted in front of her. The person was wearing a black jacket, which Duo recognized as his. The person's back was facing him so Duo couldn't see the face.

Duo stared at the squatting person, who was patting the girl's head now. The girl stopped crying and smiled a bit at the person. Then a woman shouted and ran towards their direction. The girl's face brightened and ran to meet the woman, who was her mother. Duo saw the woman smiled her thank you to the person and the girl waved her little hand as her mother took her home. The person waved back slightly and then stood up. The snow had fallen down again, leaving the person and Duo alone in the middle of the playground.

Actually, without looking at the face, Duo had known who the person was. The gestures and the way the person moved were too familiar for him not recognize. But still Duo held his breath as the person turned his head to the side, revealing one side of his face. The nose, the lips, the eyes....the deep blue eyes.......they belonged to Heero.....

//"You are Hitoe, an independent, kind, smart, gentle, brilliant, and tender girl, who had captured my heart."//

As Duo heard his own voice inside his mind, he watched the Japanese pilot gaze towards the swing. The eyes seemed so far away as if the owner was not inside the body. Slowly, the Japanese pilot approached the swing; eyes never left it.

Duo didn't know why, but he could feel the loneliness and despair encompassing the Asian boy as he lowered himself on the swing and rocked it slightly. Heero looked like a lost child with his shoulders slumped down and head bowed like that. Like a child who never expected to be picked up by his parents. A child who knew he was left there, abandoned and alone.

//"I will not leave you, Hitoe. Never."//

His own words stabbed Duo in the heart. He wanted to go there, to comfort Heero, but still he found that he couldn't move a muscle. Something was stopping him and Duo didn't know what it was. He only could watch as Heero rocked the swing faster and faster. It went higher and higher and then Duo saw Heero let go of the swing. The Japanese boy was thrown away backward by the momentum of the swing.

If this scene had been the scene on the second day Duo met Hitoe, there would be a pair of arms that would catch the flying body and hugged it tightly and protectively. But then, this was not that day so there weren't any arms that would catch the flying body. A thud was heard as Duo watched Heero landed on the snow covered sand pool, back first.

For a moment, time seemed to stop still. Heero didn't move and neither did Duo. Inside, Duo screamed, ordering his body to move and look to see whether the Japanese boy was hurt or not. But something seemed to nail him to the ground still.

The braided pilot didn't know how long he had stared or how long Heero had lain there. Finally, Heero moved and sat up. Duo watched as the Japanese pilot once again walked to the swing and sat down, rocking it slightly as if repeating the previous action.

No, Duo didn't want to see it again. Heero was hurting himself, trying to convince himself that everything that had happened in that week would never happen again. It was merely a dream.

//"I love for who you are, not what you are."//

The swing rocked faster.....

//"I love the person inside this beautiful body."//

and faster......

//"Hitoe. I love your spirit and your personality, not your physical body. "//

The last sentence snapped at Duo. Yes, he loved the person inside. The spirit and the personality, not the body. So what if his Hitoe was a boy? It was still Hitoe nevertheless. The spirit and the personality were still there, inside a Japanese boy named Heero Yuy. The clothes and hair were fake, but Hitoe is very real, closer to the truth than the Perfect Soldier. Did he love Hitoe like he had claimed, or her face like Heero had said? Hitoe and Heero were one in the same. She was who he couldn't be, but was. He was what she didn't want to be, but had to. They were the same person.

The swing went higher......

No, Duo would not let misery and regret rule the rest of his live. He was going to get his happiness now. The happiness that he would share with Heero, the person he loved. The person he wanted to spend his life with.

As Heero let go of the swing once more, Duo leapt forward. His fear, his ego, and his pride, which had stopped him earlier, had been flown away. Damn those stupid feelings, he would not let them prevent him from getting his true love.

The Japanese boy was flown backward from the swing and Duo, who had arrived behind him, spread his arms, receiving the flying boy squarely in the chest. Never, he would never let go again.

Duo could hear a soft gasp from the boy in front of him as he hugged him tightly from the back and rested his chin on the Japanese pilot's right shoulder. "Welcome back......." Duo murmured, nuzzling the slender neck and feeling the familiar sensation of being so closed with his love. " me."



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