Author: A-chan
Pairing: 1+2 (I can't seem to write anything that's DOESN'T have that as the main pairing)
Warnings: Sap, but hopefully not OVERLY mushy
Spoilers: The entire series
Author's Notes: My view of Heero is the following: Cold and cruel on the outside, but truly a good, gentle person on the inside. There. Now you know why my Heero's are sappy when not talking or taking action.J
Learning To Love Again
After the twelfth year of my existence, I was sure I would never be able to feel emotions again. But you proved me wrong, Duo. You love doing that, don't you? Just like you love seeing me uncomfortable after guessing my thoughts. You would occasionally joke that "Reading Heero Yuy's Facial Expressions" was one of your hobbies. I never took you seriously.
When you first walked into my life...or shot your way, actually, I thought of you as the Devil himself. Coming to ruin my life, and more importantly, my mission. You had to be eliminated. There was just no other way.
But my self-ordered mission went horribly wrong. Time and time again I promised myself that I would kill you. That "the next time we meet I will kill him." You don't know how many times I said that to myself.
The time I stole the parts from your Gundam was the first time in my life that I'd ever regretted anything. But I decided my actions were necessary, and to just forget about it (after all, the mission was successfully completed. Ninmu kanryou). But when I close my eyes, it was as if your image was permanently attached to my eyelids. You haunted me.
Night and day I thought about you. Every time I saw food, I'd wonder to myself, "Does Duo like this?"; every time I looked at my Gundam, I'd think, "Is Duo in Deathscythe right now?". For a while, I was convinced that you'd placed a spell on me or put something in that Teriyaki chicken you'd offered me with a grin and a "It's good!", but slowly, a shocking realization came to me...
I wanted you.
I never knew I was capable of thinking such a thing until the night of our third meeting, when we surprised each other with our presence at the same base.
Your sarcastic, cheerful voice rang tauntingly from the small comm. unit, filling Wing's cockpit with it. Even now, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. You said something about us meeting again and payback, and you were probably too intent being pissed at me to see the Leo coming up behind you.
Without thinking, I raised my beam cannon and shot the offending suit down. Your scream was more than enough to tell me that you thought I was shooting as YOU. Oh Duo, if only you knew...
I forced myself to sound cold as I prepared to take off. I said that we were even, that I'd repaid you. I knew without being told that you despised me right then, that you were fuming. Truth is, I hated myself at that moment.
You somehow managed to track me down within the next two weeks, and we roomed together at that boarding school. It did NOT work well for me in the libido-controlling department. Having you sleep so close by was heaven, Hell, and the ultimate test all combined into one tiny room with twin beds and a desk hardly big enough to fit a plate on.
Still, the too-short month we spent together meant a great deal to me, because I got to truly know you. I found a very deep person behind the attractive face, despite the monster poses and weird faces I KNEW you made behind my back.
I got the impression that you thought yourself to be the superior pilot between the two of us, since you challenged me. You later admitted being impressed with my skills, but, as I grudgingly say to myself, I was greatly impressed by your performance as well.
All was normal until...
It was pitch-back outside, the wind was howling, and I woke up in the mid of night from one of...those dreams. Recollections of my sinful past, the ghosts of those whom I killed coming to take revenge, and visions of my bleak future, hands bloody and forever tainted with the essence of pain. Only this time, you were in it...one of the living dead, eyes hollow and unseeing.
For the first time in years, I longed for human contact. And the closest source, of course, was you, slumbering peacefully on the other side of the dorm room. Without really comprehending what I was doing, I crossed the short distance between us and crawled under your covers. I pressed closer into your surprised embrace, your welcoming warmth, wanting your touch. Even though I would never admit it, I wanted to prove to myself that you were still here, still alive, and I didn't kill you like all those around me.
I knew that you were confused, shocked, and in want of answers, but...later. I'd deal with it later. Unexpectedly, that 'later' never came. You just put your arms around me and held me tight against your chest, stroking my hair and whispering soothing words in my ear. You said that you were there for me, that I wasn't alone, but the rest were blurred, and I don't think you understood yourself much, either.
For hours you held me, whispering soothing words in my ear, and rocking me like a mother would her frightened child. That was when I knew...
...That I needed you.
It was about four in the morning when you fell asleep, or so according to my internal clock. Your heartbeat was comforting, your face lax, and your hand was still buried in my hair. I didn't bother to remove it.
I'd been trained to deal with three hours of sleep a day, so I was fine the next morning. But you...now that I think about it, I feel rather guilty. You had eyebags like nothing else; Your hair was sticking out in weird, messy angles; And you could barely get through the hallway before stumbling into my arms. I sighed and carried you back to our room, where you slept until dinner.
The next few months was an incoherent jumble of action and Dr. J's. I self-destructed; Woke up a month later; And missed you terribly. I couldn't forget your huge, expressive violet eyes that seemed to see through the soldier and to the lonely boy inside (a thought that frightened me above anything else, but at the same time, gave me hope), your silky hair, or how lovely it'd been to have you hold me through the darkest part of the night.
By then, I'd pretty much figured out that I loved you, though didn't for the life of me know what to do about it. All I knew was that I wanted you, I needed you, and I loved you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and I didn't care if I had to tear down the heavens to do that. I didn't care about anything--Relena, Earth, the Colonies...they can all go to Hell, as long as I had you by my side.
The next time I saw you was on that monitor, when OZ announced the capturing of one of the hateful Gundam pilots. The crowd around me burst into applause, but I registered none of it. You've been captured. That's all that mattered.
And so, I forced myself to visit you in that prison cell with the full intention of killing you. But my plans were blown sky-high the moment I saw your battered form lying on the cold dirt floor. I knew you weren't dead, because you shifted every once in a while, but never have I seen you so feeble, so...vulnerable. My blood boiled at the thought of what you must've gone through, and that your fair skin had to make contact with the disgusting ground.
You rolled your eyes up at me, and I released the breath I didn't even know I was holding. You gingerly propped yourself up against the wall, saying that you wanted me to kill you. But I knew that wasn't the case. With a sigh of frustration at my own weakness, I tossed you that gun and got you out.
I still remember your actions in that dorm room of the school I took you to. The first thing you did was slap me, then promptly glomped onto my chest and buried your face in my neck. It was awfully confusing. I carefully hugged you back, mindful of your injured ribs. You told me never to try and kill myself again, that you were scared I'd succeeded. I listened to you ramble brokenly for a while, before picking you up and setting you on the bed. You refused to let go of me, so I was forced to lie down beside you (not that I didn't want to...) for the night.
The next morning, I left for a mission, but you woke up and grabbed me before I could get two steps away from the bed. You demanded to know where I was going, and I didn't want to lie to you, so I told you about Dr. J's orders. You sighed, and giving me another lecture about not self-destructing, let go of my shirt.
We hardly saw each other between that day and the end of the war. I noticed that you never said a word about either my breakdown or the nights we spent in each other's arms. I didn't know how to interpret it, so I just ignored it also.
It wasn't until after the final destruction of Libra and Wing Zero landed on that pad that I had you that close again. You threw yourself at me, long arms around my waist and pulling us together until there was absolutely no room for air to pass through between our bodies. You were whispering "Yokatta!" repeatedly.
Yes...*yokatta*...it's over...yatto.
And now I see you standing in front of me, eyes wide and expression shocked. Is it so hard to believe that I'd come for you after the war?
"Duo," I say quietly. Without waiting for you to compose yourself, I push past you and into the small, neat apartment. "Ohayo."
"Um...hi Heero!" And I suddenly find myself sitting on the couch with a cup of steaming...something on the table in front of me. It smelled funny, and from the 'food' you'd cooked me before, I knew better than to trust it. Besides, I'd promised you before that I wouldn't kill myself.
You sit across from me, legs crossed and grinning. "What brings you to L2?"
I notice your stare at my cup, so grudgingly, I take a sip. I choke and you are by my side in an instant.
"Goodness, Heero! It can't be *that* bad!"
"Honestly, Duo, you make the worst coffee in both Space and Earth."
You laugh, and I can't help but smile.
We have things to work out, emotions to straighten, but in the end, I know we'll be fine. Dr. J's constant pounding and training couldn't wring out all my humanity, and you were the one to bring it out. ...You taught me to love again.
Arigato...
Aishiteru.
OWARI
^________^ Well, that's it, folks! *eager look* Did ya like?
FEEEEEDBAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!
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