Notes: ~is Heero's thoughts and/or writing~

Shinigami's Secret Part 4

~How does friendship turn to love? I have often wondered. In the books its always love at first sight or some kind of forbidden love. Like enemies whose explosive anger was just a thin veil for their deeper feelings of passion. No one ever explains how it happens between best friends. Did it slowly grow each day? Or was it always there to begin with, just hidden by uncertain hearts? Even I'm not sure. I didn't just wake up one day and decide to love you more then anything. I didn't just look at you one day and suddenly realize how beautiful and precious you are to me. I loved you from the beginning just not as a lover but as a savior. Someone who saw who I was but still cared. I always knew you were precious to me, I cherished every moment we spent locking them away in my heart. They were treasures to dear to be lost. I would have had to be blind deaf and dumb to ignore your beauty.

The very purity of your heart, the depth of your loyalty, the charm and wit of your personality and the kindness you don't even realizes you bestow on everyone. They far out weight the exquisite curvature of your neck or the sculpted porcelain perfection of your face. Even the natural grace and confidence in your every move couldn't outshine the rich timber of your voice. Before you laughed, I doubted the intelligence of those who described laughter like bells or music. Now I know they're liars. Your laughter is far more melodious then any symphony. I would say you're entirely perfect but that's a lie. And I know how you hate liars. I love your flaws as much as everything else, no matter how insane they drive me at times. They are all a part of what makes you so irresistibly... you.

From that weird way you toss your head to get your bangs out of your eyes to the way you tap your foot when you're impatient. And that horrible temper of yours. I say horrible cause it truly is when awoken. But hardly anything breaks through that icy grip you keep on it, except that one time. You saw those boys torturing that kitten. A stray that no one wanted. Everyone ignored the group as if they couldn't see. It would have been dead in a few days from starvation anyway. You pushed me aside and told me to wait. I'll never forget the look in your eyes, they had laughed at you. Mistaking your slender beauty for weakness, they taunted you with what they planed to do to both of us. You won in the end and I fell in love all over again. Who but you would have gone the extra step and brought it home? Nursing it back to the beauty that was its birthright. The cat and I are too much alike, devoted to you beyond death and just as silent as it.

I'm not strong like you, I wish I was half as brave. Instead I say I love you every day. You never guessed how deeply I meant it. I smile at your stupid jokes and help you dress for your dates. You never guessed how much it hurt me. I never showed you that part of myself. You were never meant for me. We're as far apart as the earth and the sun. Like a glorious butterfly you were meant to be free. I won't be the one to clip your wings. I would rather die then speak and cause you pain. Because I know how deeply you care for me, as a friend. And how hurt you'd feel as a friend. So I retreat in silence and pretend it doesn't hurt. It gets easier each day to hide behind this smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes. The feeling never fades, the pain just becomes familiar. In fact, the love only grows with each breath I take. Each day I'm drawn deeper into this web of half-truths and deceit I use to hold these feelings in. Until the words are so firmly sealed away I couldn't say them if I wanted to. Duo...~

*****

Hearing the phone ring Heero closed his journal and picked up the headset with one hand.

"Moshi Moshi."

"Hee-chan?" The voice alone sent a fission of pleasure down his spine and caused him to blush.

"Duo." He whispered.

~why do I crave the sound of his voice so?~

"I'm so excited! I wanted you to know first. Don't wait up for me tonight is it. I'm gonna propose to Hilde at the restaurant."

"Sugoi! I want the details okay? Even down to the meal you ate!"

~how many times can I rebuild my heart from shattered fragments? ~

"Of course I'll tell all tomorrow. I decided to buy that ring you were looking at last weekend. You have such great taste. I'm sure she'll love it!"

~why is it the ones I love who always hurt me? I don't know if I can survive this again. Being abandoned, at least mom was kind enough not to pretend she cared. It didn't hurt this much last time. ~

"Thanks Duo, It's a great ring. I got to go now I think I left the stove on."

~ how many pieces will be left behind of me this time? ~

"Sure Hee-baby, you feeling okay? You sound odd."

~ how many times until I disappear? ~

"I'm fine, just worried about the stove. Ja!"

"Ja!"

With a trembling hand and eyes half blinded by tears Heero hung up the phone. The book had dropped to the floor unnoticed. Choking back a sob he pulled his coat on and ran off the door slamming behind him. His wallet and keys still lying on the desk where he had left them the night before.

TBC...

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