Author: Little Manga Neko
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Future 2x1 Future 3x4 etc...
Warnings: Yaoi maybe, past preggy, past NCS, past suicide attempts, Angst... surprises. OOC?
Disclaimer: Still don't own 'em.
Secrets and Lies Arc 2 Part 1
Have you ever tried to flood a desert with the moisture from a single tear? Have you ever tried to stand your ground in the path of a Tsunami, as the water crushed your body and flung you about like a broken doll stealing every last breath from your lungs? Then you know how Duo felt and how fruitless it was as memories assaulted his consciousness each screaming for attention and coloring scenes from the past in a different shade. How could he have forgotten that jolt of awareness so strong it felt like pain when he had first met Heero's eyes? Even now just the memory was enough to make him do a full body flush. So many things seemingly unimportant in their time, at that moment each were more precious to him then his braid.
He silently crumbled to the ground, head in his hands, vibrant eyes shallow and unseeing as he focused inward. How could he have forgotten even fore a moment the very person whom he lived for? Their first kiss clumsy and unsure but full of so much passion...the first time they touched as more then friends fingertips seeking to map the contours of each other's body neither wanted to forget, to fill their fantasies on all the nights they would lay alone.
The first time they had sex... no it wasn't just sex, it had been making love, he had always known that on his side there had been love now he was surprised he never noticed Heero's feeling. Looking back through the eyes of an adult he recognized those hesitant touches finally understood what Heero had been offering him silently with vulnerable eyes every time they touched. It had been his heart and Duo had been too unsure, too immature and too scared to recognize it for what it was.
Duo remembered the first time he had raped Heero... Heero had never understood, even though the drugs had altered his ability to control his baser instincts, it hadn't stopped him from understanding. That is why he had cried every time. He may have been unable to control his body but he had full control of his mind. He could remember how he had violated his best friend, ripping him open, making him bleed some part of himself which he feared more then anything had wanted it, craved it, loved the sight of the blood smeared on that pristine body, had hated the fact that Heero hadn't screamed. It was a darker side to himself that sickened him. One that he knew now that everyone had but they just kept it locked deep inside.
He remembered how much he had hated himself for hurting Heero. He hadn't even been able to reach for him because every time he did, he remembered and the thought of what he might do to Heero if he ever lost control again had killed him, frightened him so much. How could he protect Heero if he couldn't even protect him from himself?
He remembered that night. He had gotten so low, to the very end of his rope. He hadn't been able to see anything in his future but more pain and loneliness. He had given up everything for that damned war. He wasn't even sure if he could be human again. Surely the guys could do it on their own, he had told himself. Surely they wouldn't deny him this? Not when the pain of living so far outweighed the pain of letting go?
He had stood there in the bathroom looking at his arm. When had he gotten so thin? He hadn't remembered his wrist bone protruding so far before. When had he gotten so pale? He had always been so light, but at that moment he could trace every vein through paper-thin skin. It had been so easy to take his razor blade out and follow that pattern.
Heero had been the one to find him. He was going to beg him to leave him, to let him die, but the look on his beloveds face had stolen any words from his lips. He had never seen any person's face drawn tightly with that much pain, never not even when he had done that horrible thing to his beloved over and over again. It was at that moment that he began to heal because he never wanted to see that look on Heero's face again.
Too bad he never had a chance to begin again...
Duo's eyes were still closed as his last memory with Heero spilled on to his consciousness. He could still remember how Heero had looked at him that last day as they had headed into the steel doors of the lab.
"I can't do this anymore Duo." He had whispered and Duo wanted to reach out and hold his lover to comfort him but he had been unable too. It had still been too soon. Maybe if he had, none of this would have happened. The memories returned every time he had touched Heero. They were getting better, but they still scared him enough to draw away. How would he be able to ever win Heero's love after he had raped his lover while he had been too weak to protest or defend himself? He was sure that Heero was saying goodbye. Looking back, Duo wished he had known, if he had already known, it then it would have made thing so much easier. Back then Heero had read his heart too easily.
"That's not what I'm talking about. I... I'm sorry for what happened. It was my fault for dragging you into this, if I had never touched you, she wouldn't have included you in my torture."
There had been a suddenly fierce expression on Duo's face as he turned to his friend.
"No Heero. None of this is your fault. Don't ever regret what we have. You're the reason I fight. I want to make a world for you where you'll never have to kill again. I want to be able to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life, secure in the knowledge that every time you walk out the door, you won't disappear. Because without you, I know I would just die." Heero's eyes had grown wide at those words, aware of the feelings behind them. It had been the first time either of them had ever spoken of the future or their feelings.
"Duo? Why did you wait till now to tell me? Now that it's too late?"
Duo had stared at Heero uncomprehendingly. "Too late? What the hell do you mean too late Heero?"
"Mother wasn't just torturing us, Duo, those serums and surgeries... I am pregnant, Duo. I'm carrying your child. Dr. J tells me that I won't survive either way." Duo had turned pale then slumped against the wall. It suddenly made sense why they were at J's lab.
"I don't want you to hurt anymore Duo. I can't live with the thought of you dieing. Do you have any idea how I felt when I walked in that bathroom and found you lying in a pool of your own blood? It hurt so much, Duo. Deep inside where I was never trained to deal with the pain."
"Heero... I didn't know you cared either way. I wasn't trying to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I was just in so much pain."
"Don't worry, Duo. Death isn't the only way to deal with it." Heero had whispered. But Duo didn't hear it he was too caught up in the though Heero was dieing because he was carrying his child... wait... Heero was pregnant? With his child?
Before he could ask how that impossibility had come about when Heero was a boy, soft lips had covered his in a chaste kiss of benediction. He could taste saltiness and realized that Heero's tears were anointing their joined lips.
"Gomen ne Duo. Anata wa watashi no kokoro. Aishiteru. Itsumo."(1) Heero had whispered against their lips and everything had faded. Something else had been on Heero's lips, something to knock him out completely.
Coming back from his thoughts, Duo felt the tears leaking from his eyes as someone shook him gently.
"Heero?" He whispered and focused on the face above him... It was Hilde.
TBC...
1) "I'm sorry Duo. You are my heart. I love you always/forever."
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