Author: CleverYoungThief
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mention of death, internal angst, Quatre POV
Pairing: None
Archive: Gundam Wing Addiction
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Don't sue. College kids are like L2 kids; we got nothin'.
Quatre's Story
A Right to Innocence
Gentle.
I heard Duo call me that once to Heero one time. And I was surprised to hear Heero agree. "Aa." Yes, maybe on the outside. Because all of us wear masks. Heero, Duo, Trowa, Wufei, and yes, even myself. But I feel sick. My soul is as defiled as Heero's.
/ Gentle? Duo also said that he was going to hell. If he's going to hell, maybe he can save me a seat. /
I killed a soldier face to face on the last mission. He crept up on me and... and I didn't even think about it. I grabbed the side of his jaw on one side and his shoulder on the other and twisted in opposite directions. There was a crack like a breaking branch, and he went limp in my arms. It had been painless and quick, but not so quick that I couldn't read him. His name had been Jonathan Kaine. He had a wife... and a two year-old daughter. He had lost parents and brother to colony rebels. In killing him, I had descended to OZ's level. I had orphaned a child, widowed a mother.
/ But that doesn't matter, does it? Because I'll never see the results of your actions. I take no responsibility for what I've done. /
This is the year After Colony 195, the very first year of a immoral new war. It is a time when survival without taking sides is difficult. It is the age of the machine, and the morality of the machine. Maybe it's the only time in the entire span of history since the first colony was established in space when the ends do justify the means.
/ Peace achieved through the deaths of thousands is not peace. Relena is right. /
Colony rebels had killed that soldier's father. I had killed the father of his daughter.
/ In killing the enemy, I've just created another one. Created the hatred and emotion that sparks wars like the one I'm fighting in. The endless waltz of peace, revolution, and war goes on. There is no end to it. /
Heero would say that the fact that colony rebels killed his family didn't make any difference. He would say that it doesn't make any difference if soldiers are crazy, mislead, or perfectly sane. He would say that in the end, all motives are redundant. That it wouldn't bring back the thousands killed by OZ. That what happened to his parents didn't justify his taking part in an act that ended up with hundreds more dead, hundreds more orphaned. But then again, what does Heero know? He isn't capable of thinking for himself.
/ The deaths of the colonists do not justify our actions, either. So is this the war where the bad guys are fighting the good government, or the good guys are fighting the bad government? I guess it depends on who you ask. /
I've killed men in mobile suits. I've killed men with grenades, with detonation devices. I have never killed someone in my arms like that. I almost wish Heero had been there to see it, or Duo. Any of them. I don't like being thought of as an innocent, the innocent pacifist.
/ If I am an innocent, than who is guilty? Who deserves to be condemned? /
I'm not innocent anymore. None of us are. We're killers, the terrible children, sons of the great revolution, soldiers of a new age.
/ I am not here because it is what I was ordered to do, or to get revenge on OZ, or to achieve justice, or because it's the only thing I know how to do. I am here so other people don't have to be. /
All right. I can handle that. And I know that the others can. Enough. We are killers. But even soldiers are allowed to have a little innocence. To maintain a little optimism, or a sense of justice. Soldiers are allowed to suffer in silence. And soldiers are allowed to be what they are. All soldiers are entitled to keep their masks.
Stoic.
Cheerful.
Silent.
Innocent.
Or self-righteous.
It is our right.
OWARI
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