"I struggle with myself again... quickly the walls come crumbling...don't know if I can turn away..."
--- "What Would Happen"
It's A Hard Knock Life Part 8
Ultimatum
Heero slowly picked up the pistol off the carpet, held flat on both palms, looking down at it as if he had never seen a gun before, curling his fingers around the barrel. He swallowed hard before speaking again.
"Why?"
Duo turned away, an expression of pain on his face. "Does it really matter?"
"Hai!" Heero snapped, raising his head. His cobalt eyes were blazing. "It does to me. Deserters are traitors, and it's my responsibility to protect our secrets by disposing of you. It matters to me. I want to know why I'm going to have to kill you, Duo."
Duo said nothing.
Heero looked away, a torn, pleading expression on his face, before he swallowed hard and spoke again, using that slow, careful English, as if strong emotion caused him to forget his second language.
"Is it because of me? Because you can't stand to fight beside me anymore? Because of what I... did?"
Duo was silent.
He tried to look into the American's face. "Don't you think I have a right to know? If you never talk to me again, Duo, talk now."
Duo shook his head. His voice was a whisper, hoarse with tears he by hell was not going to let fall. Not in front of Heero. "I'm not deserting. But I can't leave L2. Not yet. Maybe not ever. You don't understand, Heero. Hell, you'll never understand. And it's not you."
Heero looked childishly relieved for a moment, standing there with a gun in his hands, and Duo felt an upsurge of emotion towards him, the stoic Japanese pilot whom he had often feared, sometimes hated, and for the last month or so, had been slowly falling in love with.
"Why then?"
Duo closed his eyes and shook his head, a small sad smile touching his mouth. Heero, acting as if he was a machine with a malfunction. What's wrong, Duo? What emotional valve is sticking this time, so I can fix it the damned thing like I can fix anything else, and we can just get on to the next Mission. ::Our Mission, Duo... ::
// Not this time. //
"I have business here, Heero. Ghosts don't rest easy on L2. I've got a church full of them that I don't know what to do with."
Heero scowled. He didn't get it.
Duo sighed. "Heero, you're a soldier. You were bred for it and born to it. I... I wasn't always one. I don't think I can do it anymore. The killing, the secrets, the lies. It's too much. And I've got civilian shit to take care of here. You wouldn't understand."
Heero was watching him closely, and his expression was so candidly confused that Duo slammed his hand against the wall, creating a small delicate spiderweb of cracks in the worn plaster, startling them both. Duo's eyes flashed. "Don't you get it, Heero? I found my friends again, they're not dead, and I'm sure as hell not going to leave them now! They're my family, Heero! Don't you understand that?!"
Heero stuttered, shaken a little by the American's outburst. The cool, collected visage of the Perfect Soldier had been ruined by one kiss, one small act of intimacy that had gone towards nothing but wounding him. He felt like he was bleeding to death from the inside.
/ I'm the fool... not him. I should have never... never done that. And look what came of it. I've wounded us both. /
"Hai... iie. But... why-"
"I'm telling you why, you damned idiot! I'm telling you I have people here that care about me, and I'm not fucking leaving again! Do you get it?! Do you fucking get it?!!" Duo stalked forward, taking handfuls of Heero's tanktop in his fists.
"Mission refused, Heero! Mission fucking refused! We may take orders but we still have the privilege to say no! You could say no! I would say no for you! Why can't you do it for me!?"
// Called me an idiot. // Heero looked straight into Duo's sad, angry eyes, brimming with tears the American would not let fall. // But... I care about you. I think. What about me? //
"I have to, Duo." Heero's hands tightened on the gun. "I have to."
Duo shook his head, letting Heero go wearily. In his struggling, his braid had fallen out, and his long hair hung in his face. It was pale, and there were shadows under his eyes. "Fine, Heero. Do it then. Kill me."
Heero raised the gun, aiming down the sight at the middle of Duo's forehead, Right between those amethyst eyes. His hand was shaking.
They stood that way for almost five minutes, Duo waiting for Heero to kill him, Heero waiting for his hand to obey his commands and pull the trigger, as it had done all his life with no thought at all from him.
"Fight me, Duo. Run away. I can't kill you like this."
Duo's answer was simple and tired. "Then don't. I'm too damned tired to run away. I'm tired of all of it, Heero. That's why I'm staying."
After a minute, Heero lowered his pistol. When he spoke again, his voice was calm, soft.
"The new Mission starts in three days. If you haven't accepted by then, I'm going to kill you and... and continue the Mission alone. Please don't make the wrong choice, Duo. You've saved my life, and I've saved yours. We're even, so I can't help you this time."
Duo wouldn't look at him. "The answer... will probably be the same, Heero."
Heero looked at him, and those cobalt eyes were pleading. "Please don't make me kill you, Duo. I don't want to kill you."
Duo's voice was bitter, and he hid behind the curtain of his face as he lowered his head, turning away from Heero. "I'm probably your only friend, Heero. But that's not going to stop you from hurting me, is it? You'd kill and torture me if they asked you to, wouldn't you? If I had something they wanted... you'd sit there and watch me scream and beg if it was for your Mission. If I was just an objective... like I am now."
Heero swallowed hard, bowing his head. He didn't answer. He didn't have to. Duo already knew the answer. He didn't want to, but he did.
"Is the Mission worth one of us dying, Heero? Really worth it?"
When Heero answered, his expression was neutral and hard. Just doin' my job, sir. Duo hated that face. There was no tenderness there, now.
"... Yes."
In that moment, Heero hated Duo more than OZ or anything else he had ever faced. He had made himself vulnerable, admitted weakness, gave his heart to Duo, and had it shredded in front of him. He had no sympathies for those who betrayed either his Mission or his trust. He couldn't even convince himself he truly believed that.
He had lost both faith and face and control of his emotions. He had never been so fundamentally hurt before in all his hard, short life, and it had all happened so quickly.
It was an unforgivable answer. Duo turned away from him, throwing off his habit and climbing into the bed, pulling the covers over his head before he told Heero he could stick the Mission up his oh-so-perfect ass. It would be a bad way to start a three day death sentence.
Heero watched Duo for a moment, seeing the lump of blankets in the bed that was Duo's shoulders shivering. Was he crying? Heero couldn't hear anything. He stood there, trying to think of something to say that would make everything all right again... but he couldn't. And he hadn't lied about what he would do.
Heero went into the bathroom, showered mechanically and put on his own boxers. He slipped into bed next to Duo and turned off the lights. They lay on opposite sides of the double bed, opposite sides of a great emptiness that lay between them, as far away from each other as they could get, each lying awake and listening to the sound of the other shifting around, trying to get comfortable while knowing they never would.
Suddenly, Heero asked a question that completely caught Duo off-guard, his soft voice loud in the silence. It was the question he had wanted to voice ever since Duo told him he would not be going on to Earth with him.
"Who is he, Duo?"
Duo thought a moment, stunned that Heero had seen so completely into him, then answered. "I made a promise to him, Heero, He's always been there for me. I can't break it."
A whisper came from the other side of the bed as Duo lay on his side, fingering the cross at his neck.
"I made a promise too, Duo. I vowed to protect Colony over all. If you're not going to fight... then run. Don't be here when I wake up."
Those words, spoken in a voice that was both sure and lethally soft, left Duo cold and shivering, staring at the wall, waiting for Heero's breath to even out so he could sneak away.
TBC...
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