"I'm gunning down romance... it never meant a thing to me, but heartache and misery, ain't nothing but a tragedy..."
--- "Gunning Down Romance"
It's A Hard Knock Life Part 10
Gunning Down Romance
Heero awoke to the sound of sirens.
For a moment as he sat up in the double bed, heart pounding and in his throat, gasping harshly, he couldn't remember where he was. Then, as soon as he saw the flashing red lights of a passing ambulance streak across the wall of the dark room, he remembered.
L2. He was on L2. And Duo... Duo was gone.
He just sat there for a few minutes in the bed, his muscles as tense and hard as rock, tendons taut as wire. He had ripped his pistol out from under his pillow when he woke, a movement so instinctive he hadn't even realized when it happened. He sat with the gun in his hand, listening to the night, to the sirens, a shrieking, fading sound that was probably the proclamation of someone's death.
He had sat awake, eyes closed and breath calm, as Duo waited for him to fall asleep. Finally, the Deathscythe pilot had gotten out of bed - Heero felt it move, and heard the springs creaking - and gathered his things in his duffel bag, leaving back out the window with it slung over his shoulder. Heero laid awake, his back turned to Duo, eyes open as he stared at the wall and watched Duo's shadow disappear into the twilight.
He had not slept for two hours after Duo was gone; he laid awake, just staring at the wall and not thinking about anything at all, only allowing himself to feel the pain of it, tasting the emotions like something he had never felt before. He was almost glad for the deep, numbing hurt. What if he had felt nothing? Then he would know he was damned. Any emotions, even pain, were preferable to the alternative.
// Dammit... why did I do that?! //
He had been so worried, so scared for Duo's safety... his emotions had taken over. He had acted on them, and look what had come of it. The Soldier part of him saw Duo's leaving as a betrayal, one to be retaliated against. The part of him that was still human was hurt, bruised... crying. Bleeding on the inside. The Soldier told him it was bound to happen sooner or later, he had known that 02 was weak, but-
Fuck the Soldier and fuck the Mission. It was his friend he was talking about, not some traitor. It was Duo. Duo was his friend, and not weak. So why had Duo hurt him so badly? Did he even know it? He had his reasons to stay, Heero knew... but he wasn't sure if they were good enough. Ever since he had made that small attempt to touch another person, a dull ache had settled in him, and the thought of Duo made it surge to a sharp pain behind his eyes, like suppressed tears.
// What do I do now? //
Heero answered himself almost immediately. // You'll do what you've always done. Do your fucking job, that's what you'll do. //
He looked over at the alarm clock beside the bed. 2:16 AM, it proclaimed in neon green lettering, a little too brightly for Heero's taste. He slumped against the headboard for a moment, raking a hand through his damp hair. His sheets were soaked with sweat and his cheeks were wet. He couldn't remember his dreams, but he must have cried in the night.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed and started a pot of coffee, even though he didn't want it. He cleaned the room, even though it didn't need to be picked up.
He switched on the laptop, working his way through the various screens and passwords effortlessly, having done it a million times before. Finally, he got to Wing's screen, hooking him directly into all computer systems he could ever want to hack. He set up a comlink with L1 and put his headset on.
The computer screen burst into static snow. Briefly, the snow reminded Heero of the other snow, the snow with the little girl and the dog... that time... but he chased the thought away viciously.
"Lab 1, this is 01. Lab 1, this is 01. Do you copy?"
Doctor J's voice came over the snow. "Heero Yuy? It's been six months since you broke radio silence. What is your situation?"
"I am on L2. 02 has gone rogue."
"I see. Why are you on burst transmission?"
"Security purposes. OZ forces are thick on this colony. They enforce martial law here; living conditions are less than satisfactory."
"We know what kind of a hellhole it is, boy. No need to elaborate. So, the God of Death has gone rogue, has he?"
"Hai."
"Then you realize your objectives concerning the Deathscythe pilot?"
"Hai. Search and destroy." But Heero's mind was whirring frantically, looking for his alternative. Could he negotiate this Mission? Iie, a soldier had no control over his directives. But...
Heero spoke again. "I have given 02 three days to comply with orders."
J laughed over the comlink. Heero couldn't see the scientist's face, but he glared at the screen of static anyway.
"Have a soft spot for him, do you?"
Heero thought about Duo's face when he had refused the Mission, the Deathscythe pilot's expression when Heero had kissed him, and replied, his voice cold and deadpan. "No. But to terminate him prematurely would rob us of necessary allies. It is better to coerce his compliance than to kill him."
"You really believe that, Heero Yuy? I'll know if you're lying."
Heero replied softly. "No. But he is an ally. I do not like to kill my allies." // No matter how much it hurts to let them live, // he added to himself.
"No, Heero. You do not have three days to spare. Your orders are to locate 02 and dispose of him within the next twenty-four hours, before you leave L2. I want visual confirmation that you have taken care of the threat of security breach. I want him completely disavowed. Do you understand?"
A chill filled Heero, sinking into the hollows of his bones like freezing spun glass. // I understand that's an order to kill him and show you the body, // Heero thought.
He remembered what Duo had said.
::Mission refused, Heero! Mission fucking refused! We make take orders but we still have the privilege to say no! You could say no! I would say no for you! Why can't you do it for me!?::
// Why can't I just... say no? // He shook his head. He could no more disobey an order from his Superiors than to kill a woman or child deliberately.
Heero had tried to stay away from other soldiers as he was growing up. He had never made friends with any of the other Potentials. He could sense their deaths approaching, or their drawing away from him, afraid of what he was. He always drew away from them first.
He had known Duo hated soldiers, and hated the war, too, but Duo had always struck him as weak in some way, helpless in his tumbling emotions and vague motivations, a boy who could be manipulated with no great difficulty, at least for a while. That was how he had ended up as a Gundam pilot to begin with.
He had thought Duo liked him. He observed the Deathscythe pilot's actions around him - his necessity to touch Heero whenever he could, trying to talk to him and tease him out of his shell, making risqué and sexual remarks obviously meant to alert Heero to Duo's attraction to him.
Heero had seen this and finally, after weeks of internal debate, acted accordingly. But had he been completely wrong about Duo's feelings about him? Obviously, hai. He had been. That he had so completely misread his partner's flirtations as serious emotions towards him made Heero feel hurt and furious, as if he was back in the Labs and had been slapped for absolutely no reason at all.
"Are you there, boy?"
"... Hai."
"I told you not to get involved, Heero. Now it's only going to hurt you when you have to kill him. But you will do as you are ordered. Do you understand?" Heero swallowed hard before answering.
"... No."
There was a brief silence. "Could you repeat that, 01?"
// For you, Duo. //
Heero closed his eyes. "I said no. My Mission. My objectives. I'll carry them out under my own course of action. I will debrief in seven days."
"Is that so, boy?" Doctor J's tone was warm; he wasn't angry yet, but he was getting there. There was a strange mix of anger and amusement in his voice.
"I'm telling you it is. You'd know if I was lying."
There was another period of silence, and Heero could feel his heart pounding like a caged animal. He prayed the silence meant Doctor J was thinking over his words, and he hoped whatever the scientist was thinking was in his favor. He had never so directly disobeyed before; the orders, commands, and rules that made up his life had been broken. He was afraid.
"Fine. He has his three days. You're a good boy. An obedient boy. Don't disappoint me, Heero."
"Hai. Yuy out." He shut down the comlink before J could reply, his heart still pounding. The com was one-way. Aside from his official Mission orders, there was no way the scientist could contact him personally. That was just the way Heero liked it.
He sat on the edge of the bed, looking at himself in the mirror on the bureau across from it. His face was thrown into hard and unflattering relief by the glare of his computer screen by the beside table and the dim lights in the room. He didn't look like a fifteen year-old boy now. He looked like the killer he was.
// Three days. I have three days to find him. Three days to get him back. // He closed his eyes. // Please, Duo. Please don't make me do it. I could... never forgive myself. // He lowered his head, gripped the metal bedpost until he felt it creak and protest beneath his fingers. He locked his throat, but a series of harsh, hitching whimpers escaped from him anyway. He couldn't cry. He hadn't been able to cry since he was five years old. But the sobs were still there, making his shoulders shake.
He didn't want to kill Duo. He'd never forgive himself if he had to.
But he would do it. And that was the worst thing of all.
TBC...
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