"Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before."
- "Simple And Clean" Utada Hikaru
Bound Part 14
Fallen Idols
Mary stared down into the water flowing beneath the bridge over Alderidge Creek. The sun was setting already, and she had no idea how many hours she had been sitting there, bare dirty feet hanging over the edge, splinters in her hands from the warped, faded wood. The setting sun was reflected in the water, turning it the color of blood. She could see the shadows of little fish swimming in the currents.
At first, she cried. She remembered the look on Tobias's face. There was a deep sadness there; it had been a hard decision for him, she knew. But in the end, he had made it. And that was what men were supposed to do.
But he wasn't a man. He was only twelve. He was only Tobias.
He wouldn't watch the death of the pilots, wouldn't watch when OZ paraded them in front of the mobs who would curse and spit on them, all on international and intercolonial television, right before they went to death by firing squad.
She hated him for that. It was only a little, and she knew eventually, with a child's intuition, that she would eventually get over it. There would come a day when she would forget to hate him, when the weird deep violet eyes of 02 would fade from her memory. But she couldn't see that now. All she could feel was betrayal.
She wished she had never found them. But she knew that her life would be forever changed because she had.
Nothing could be the same again. Nothing.
"Mary."
She closed her eyes. Anyone's voice but his. "Go away, Tobias."
"I am."
She turned to him. He was standing at the end of the bridge, hands thrust deep into his pockets, wind blowing his bangs all over the place, gray eyes sad and serious. Only moments before, she had hated him, but seeing him here, now, she felt it bleeding away, leaving her numb and empty.
"What?" she whispered.
He walked over and sat next to her, hanging his legs over the side of the bridge; he was taller, and his feet sank beneath the slow rushing water. He didn't look directly at her. He got a toothpick out of his pocket and put it in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully as he stared into the dark water.
"I'm goin' away."
"Where?"
Finally, he looked at her. "The lieutenant said if I wanted, I could go with him and His Excellency to Victoria Base. There's a pilot training program there, for the youth squadrons. They said I could be combat ready in six months, by the limit mark. I can become a pilot. If I go with them."
Mary turned her eyes away from him. "And..." she said, softly.
"I said yes."
"That figures."
"Don't be like that, Mary."
"How am I supposed to be?"
Tobias shifted uncomfortably, running a hand through his hair, making it even more mussed than usual. "Damn, Mare, I dunno. Not like that."
She glanced up at him, at his hurt, earnest expression, and found that she didn't hate him entirely. Not yet. But she felt that she could. With enough time, she could. It would change him. The first time he put on the uniform, he would be different. And then they would be on opposite sides of the fence; always looking for each other, but never close enough to touch. Never again.
"Really impressed them by helping them capture the pilots, huh? Must have made a real good impression on 'em. I'm sure His Excellency was happy with you," Mary replied, the words harsh and bitter in her mouth.
"Stop it," Tobias said quietly, sharply. "You don't have to be so-"
"So what?"
"You don't have to be so damned mad," he whispered, weakly. "I mean... it was going to happen sooner or later, Mare. And if it had been any later, they would have been dragging corpses with them. You heard my dad. They were lucky to get caught when they did. They would have died if you left 'em up there. And I know you, Mare. You never would have forgiven yourself."
Silence, except for the rushing sound of the water.
"Well? Aren't you gonna say something?"
"No," she replied, voice soft. She knew that she could just lean over and throw her arms around his neck, cry on his shoulder the same way she had been doing since she was five, when she fell and hurt herself, or was humiliated in some way.
But she couldn't bring herself to do it. He didn't have any business wanted to be reassured, wanting her to tell him to follow his dreams, to become a soldier.
They weren't little kids anymore.
"So what do you want me to do?"
"What do you want to do, Tobias?" she asked, raising her voice. She knew she sounded childish, but she couldn't help herself. "If you want to go fight and kill and die, then fine. Go do it! We don't need you!"
She looked into his face and saw a boy and the man he would become fighting each other for control of the same eyes. She remembered him carrying her around on his shoulders when she was younger, burying her hands in his hair, shrieking, joyful laughter.
"We're never gonna be able to agree on this one thing, are we, Mare?" he whispered.
She shook her head, slowly. Her voice was hoarse with tears again. She didn't think he could see her crying in the twilight, but she knew he could probably hear her. And for once, she didn't really care.
"When is it gonna end, Tobias?"
"I don't think it ever will. But if it can, Treize'll do it."
"How do you know?"
Tobias shook his head. He couldn't put it into words. Didn't know how to make her understand. He groped for the language to explain the depth of his feelings. But he was only twelve. He didn't have the vocabulary for it.
"He's wrong."
Tobias shook his head again. "No."
"You willing to bet your life on it?"
Tobias looked down into the water rushing below him, making ripples around his ankles where his feet were submerged.
He saw himself in the water, saw himself as Zechs must have seen him; a gangly twelve-year old boy, tanned the deep color of tilled earth, heavy with farm muscle. He could see his father's face in his own features. But he didn't want to be his father. He wanted to do something. Be somebody.
"Yes." He looked at Mary, meeting her eyes steadily. "And I will."
TBC...
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